Frustrated and Undecided

I have been so frustrated lately about adoption and foster care.  The whole process is emotionally and mentally draining, and at this point I'm not sure I want to continue with foster care.

The baby's adoption is still in the works because our certification packet has been on the Commissioner's desk for over three months.  Our adoption hearing has been set for April 30th, but the baby's caseworker has requested an expedited hearing.  That's great, but without a certification we can't do anything.  Can we get a move on already?  I have mentioned to the caseworker that the longer we have to wait, the more anxious I become.  She has assured me that everything is still moving forward, an we have her and the baby's attorney on our side.  Again, great but nothing is official until the judge signs the adoption documents.  I can't believe we have another four months of waiting.  Why?  Because that's our luck, I guess.

I am struggling with deciding whether or not to continue fostering because the last three months have been nothing short of aggravating, humiliating, and depressing.  We have renewed our foster license, after waiting two long months for an unsubstantiated closure letter.  In the course of our renewal, we have been licensed for only one foster child at a time, after we just had an amendment done in July for two.  The reason/excuse I got was OLCR (licensing) wanted to wait until Little Man had been out of our home for 90 days.  Really?  By the time our license was renewed the 90 days had already passed.  I'm thinking someone dropped the ball when filling out the renewal paperwork and is trying to cover their tracks. 

Honestly, the longer this goes on, and the longer I am punished for something I had no control over, the less likely I am to take on another child.  We have changed our age range from Newborn to 3-years-old, to Newborn to 12 months old.  I have been told repeatedly that because I am a stay-at-home-mom that I would most likely get the substance-exposed newborns, which I am fine with.  Been there, done that, made it through to the other side.  I just continue to go back and forth between shutting it down after the baby's adoption, or giving it another go.  Hopefully we will pick a direction to go soon.  Perhaps after the holidays we will pick a path and carry on.

Never Ending

I am still haunted by the child abuse allegation, and I am at my wits end!  I called the investigations office today to check on the status of my closure letter, only to find out that the investigator no longer works for the agency and she did not give all of her notes to her supervisor before she left.  This means that our report has been sitting on someone's desk for at least two weeks.

Luckily for me I am extremely impatient when it comes to getting answers and I called the supervisor instead of leaving a message.  She happened to be in the office and was able to interview me over the phone, and she promised to finish our report this week.  So, hopefully we will have our closure letter no later than Friday and we can finally move on.

In the course of our interview she read the full allegation report to me and I am floored.  I am angry, I am hurt, and I feel so helpless.  The allegation was much worse than I thought it was, and the allegation also implied that I treated Little Man differently because he was Hispanic.  Laughable, but very hurtful.  I will not go into details, but everything in the report is false.  I have a feeling this medical assistant may be a "serial reporter" because of some of the terminology used in the report.

I did try to speak to my doctor about this yesterday because the baby had a well-check appointment, and I have to be honest: I was not at all pleased with her response.  I understand that those in the medical profession are obligated to report abuse, but I would have to question why this medical assistant would not mention her concerns to the doctor and instead made a beeline for the CPS Hotline.  Interesting to say the least.

What really burns me is that I can do nothing about it.  She can disrupt our life for two months, risk having my children removed from my home, interrupt the baby's adoption, and I have zero recourse.  You can say anything about anyone, but that person can't stand up for themselves?  Unbelievable.

I am currently researching other pediatricians.  I cannot continue to take my children somewhere that makes me uncomfortable or puts my kids at risk.  We have been going there for over 10 years, and I hate to move, but I just can't go back.  I am frustrated, hurt, angry, and I feel completely helpless.

I really need to put this all behind us very, very soon.

Feels Like I'm Just Standing Still

The baby is legally free and ready for adoption!!!  I can't believe it!  I am so excited!  And I am so ready to make it official!  I cannot wait to finally change his name and show him off to the world!  It feels like it has taken forever to get to this point, and then I realize it has only been nine months since we started our journey with him.  The only hiccup we have had is the bogus child abuse allegation, which has set us back at least 45 days, and also means his adoption will not be complete by National Adoption Day on November 23rd.  I am really shooting for the end of the year, but before Christmas would be even better!

We have been haunted by this child abuse allegation for what seems like forever!  To date, I have not received the Closure Letter which I need not only to renew our Foster License, but to finish our Adoption Certification.  CPS has 45 days to complete the report and mail it to me, and they have used every single one of those 45 days.  Technically, yesterday was the 45th day, and I am really hoping I have the letter in my mailbox today or tomorrow.  I really want this letter in my hand because the baby has a 9-month well check on Monday with his pediatrician, and you can bet we will be having a conversation about this allegation and how it came from her office.  The more I think about the turmoil this medical assistant has caused my family, the angrier I get.  Whether or not I continue to take my kids to this pediatrician's office depends on her reaction to what I have to say.

Our Foster License renewal is coming up, and Joe and I have decided that we will continue to foster.  We did, however, change our age range from 0-3 years to 0-12 months.  And I mean months, not 12 months plus.  We have also decided that once our Adoption Certification, and the baby's adoption, is complete we will go on the Adoption Registry and adopt a child in foster care who is already "legally free"- meaning no bio parents, no visits, no long term back-and-forth, and NO MORE LAZY CASEWORKERS.  We will be matched with a child, have a period of getting to know each other and making sure it is a fit, and moving forward.  If the match doesn't fit, we walk away and will be matched with another child in need of a home.

We have also determined that we (I) am not made for little girls, so we also changed our license to reflect boys only.  I can't take it.   I've tried, but the drama, the whining, the drama, the attitudes, the drama!  I also don't have an extra bedroom for a little girl, so maybe that should be my excuse instead.  ***Disclaimer:  I love all of my nieces to pieces, but I have a lot of respect for my sisters and sisters-in-law.  I don't know how you do it.  I will take dirt, trains, noise, etc. any day!  Plus, boys love their mamas :)

Here's to hoping we have a Closure Letter in hand soon and we can get on with this adoption already!

Decisions to be Made

It has been a week since we took Little Man back to his caseworker, and our home has been so quiet and peaceful.  Everyone is just so much happier.  The last 7-10 days have really had me on edge and re-thinking our decision to continue fostering.  I think I am looking for direction, or a sign, or something to help me decide what I really want to do.

Just when I thought the CPS investigation was over, I got another phone call from the investigator.  She needed to speak to Joe and Cam so she could finish her report and get everything cleared up.  Really?  I mean I get it, but DAMN!  Please leave me alone.  I didn't do anything wrong and I want to put this all behind me.  I am mortified, and extremely hurt, that someone would even think that I would abuse anyone.  Can I please just turn the page and finish this chapter?  I am so over it.

The investigator came out again last Thursday after speaking to Joe earlier in the week.  Cam was very honest and open, answered all of her questions.  I asked him later what she asked him and he said she asked him about Little Man.  He told me that he "had plenty of feedback on that".  He is so my son, and I love it. 

During this time we chose to not go back on the placement list, and I have to be honest and admit that I have enjoyed to peace and quiet.  Sadly, and I hate to admit this, I don't miss Little Man.  I wish him the best and I really do hope that her receives what he needs, but I just don't miss the chaos, the tantrums, and the discord in our home.  There, I said it.

While we chose to not go on the list for the last week, I was informed by my agency today that we will not go back on the placement list for a little bit.  I wasn't exactly given a time frame, but the excuse/reason I was given was "so our family could take a break and the adding another child would not cause us too much stress".  I am not exactly sure how to take that, but I really feel like I am being punished for something that I had no control over.  I did everything I was supposed to do and I still got the short end of the stick.  My attitude about going back on the placement list was basically to pick up and carry on.  I felt that if we waited any longer, we would change our minds and not take anymore kids  Of course my fear is having another child like Little Man placed with us so soon, but that is a chance we would have to take.

Now, however, I am kind of pissed off.  Again, I did nothing wrong- I will not waiver from that statement.  I tried to contact the caseworker, I contacted our licensing agent, I requested daycare (I was denied), I requested respite (which I had to cancel due to illness), I told my doctor what was going on, I have taken all training offered to me through my licensing agency, I allowed CPS into my home (TWICE) to interview myself and my family because of bogus allegations.  What else am I supposed to do? 

Obviously our number one priority is to protect the children already in our home- Cam and the baby.  We are so close to adopting the baby and I don't want anything to derail that.  But I don't see what the big deal is about putting us back on the placement list and letting us move forward.  Unfortunately, this hiatus is giving me far too much time to think about whether we want to continue to foster after our adoption is completed because I really don't want another child like Little Man- ever again.  I realize that is unrealistic, but I appreciate the break.  I can't deny it.  Does that make me a bad person?  I don't think so.  I think it means I know my limitations and he was beyond my scope.

I can tell you that I have learned some very valuable lessons during this nightmare.

1. I think purchasing a nanny cam is in order so we can protect ourselves.
2. If we choose to continue fostering, I will NEVER allow a caseworker to ignore me again.  I will call the caseworker all day- every hour on the hour, half hour, whatever- until you address what I need/want.  If I have to show up in your office, I will.
3. Our communication will be mainly through email so I have a record and backup to any claims against either myself or the caseworker.
4. If I have to call the caseworker, it will be phone calls from my cell only so I can easily pull records from my service provider.
5. I will document EVERY email, phone call, contact, etc. by keeping a detailed log.  This log will include date, time, content of conversation, notes, and whatever else I can think of.
6. I will never be "nice" or "compassionate" toward a caseworker's case load.  I'm sorry, Caseworker.  It is your job to address the comments/concerns/complaints/needs of the children assigned to you.  I can only do so much without your assistance.

This whole experience has been completely f-ed, and to be honest, I am fed up.  I question everything, and other than the pending adoption of the baby, I am having a hard time thinking this was a good idea- at least amending our license to take on two kids in foster care.  I don't know what it may take to change my mind, but I think tonight we have decided that continuing to foster is not for us, especially if we are punished for doing what we thought we were supposed to.  I don't know. There are so many children in foster care who need stable homes and a family to love them.  It breaks my heart to know that we can provide that, but I am not sure we want a repeat of the last 6-7 weeks.  I know not all foster children are like the one we just had (the baby is proof of that), but the risk is just too high.  I guess only time will tell.

Hurdle #2- Cleared!

Today was the severance hearing, and again my nerves set in.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but I could not be happier with the results.

Of course the bio parents did not attend the hearing, but their attorneys fought for their rights anyway.  I guess if you represent someone, you should drag out the inevitable?  Not sure, but the Attorney General laid into them pretty good after the hearing.  It was interesting, to say the least.

The parents rights were severed, and the court has 10 days to file the paperwork related to our hearing today.  After the paperwork is filed, the bio parents are notified and they have 15 days to appeal the decision.  I doubt they will, especially since no one knows where they are, but stranger things have happened.  While those two things are happening, the baby will be moved to the adoptions division and he will get another caseworker- ugh.  But, this also means that we are so close to officially becoming a family, and that makes everything worthwhile. 

We already have our adoption certification going through the courts, and it is my understanding that we are in the final stages.  Because we were proactive and submitted our adoption packet to the courts back in July, our process may go a little faster.  We are hoping that everything is done before Thanksgiving- how appropriate, right?  National Adoption Day is November 23rd, so we are aiming for that date.  Earlier would be great, but either way we are almost there!

Today was also the day that we said good-bye to the other little guy.  I was upset when we dropped him off, but he really didn't react.  I truly believe that he wants to show love, but doesn't know how.  I can only hope he receives the help he needs. I have been trying to get him assessed through AzEIP (Arizona Early Intervention Program) for the last six weeks, and my concerns have seemed to fall on deaf ears.  Does anyone else find it ironic that they finally called me just hours after he was dropped off at the CPS office?  Too little, too late I'm afraid.

Thank you all for your prayers, kind words, and encouragement.  There have been days when I questioned our decision to become a foster family, especially after what happened this past Friday.  I do know that we are doing the right thing, but it is easy to feel beat up and crazy, but your comments really help me pull myself up and carry on.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you!

Mixed Emotions

I really debated about writing this post because the content is mostly embarrassing and unpleasant, but I started this blog to express my feelings and share our experience with foster care. This has basically been a craptastic week.  It started with the usual- little man being difficult and unruly- and just got worse from there.  Brace yourself.

Thursday started like any other difficult and exhausting day.  Every moment from when little man gets up and until he goes to bed is a challenge, but this day was one for the books.  He had a well-check with the pediatrician on Thursday, which should have been fine, but it quickly turned into hell for me.  I still don't know what the hell happened, but he had one of his "episodes".  He started screaming, crying, thrashing, arching, bucking, you name it.  I tried to calm him down by holding him, putting my arm around him, talking to him, etc., but he would have nothing to do with it.  Nothing I did made a difference and he would just push me away.  It went on for about 10-15 minutes before I thought to record what was going on, and boy am I glad I did.  We even had a medical assistant come in to check on him and ask if he was okay.  I explained that he was fine and that I deal with this every day.

Finally the doctor came in, but with little man's crying, screaming, and whatever, I couldn't hear anything she had to say.  She asked a medical assistant to take him out of the room to calm down, and that is when the flood gates opened.  I think everything I had been holding inside for the last six weeks just bubbled to the surface and there was no stopping it.  I cried, I sobbed, and I broke down.  I just couldn't stop myself.  I told her about all of his behaviors (behaviors I had been telling his caseworker about and suggesting he receive services): what he was doing to the other baby, what he does to Cam, and what he does to me.  He has a mean streak, and he is just awful to the other kids.  But I've discussed this before.

I think she may have been slightly horrified by the situation and, after witnessing what had just occurred, felt that the time had come for little man to be placed elsewhere- which is what I have been saying since the beginning.  She stepped out of the room to have her staff start calling the caseworker and got the ball rolling.  Thank God!  I had been trying to contact his caseworker for a week, and I couldn't get through.  She didn't even return my email just asking about visits this week.  It's is a sad situation when your pediatrician asks if you are okay taking him home.  In a way I am grateful for his meltdown.  At least someone else could see and experience what I have been talking about.  He is always so good for other people, but when it comes to me he is awful.  He has some serious anger and behavioral issues that really need to be addressed.

I had mixed emotions after our appointment.  I think the most prominent was shame.  I feel like I have let this baby down by not being able to provide what he needs, and I felt like I had given up on him.  I have done everything in my power to help him, show him that he is loved, and meet his needs.  I held on because he was supposed to be leaving soon, but each week the date was pushed out even farther.  He was only supposed to be with us for two weeks, and then a month, and here we are six weeks in with no end in sight.  How much longer are we supposed to deal with this without any assistance or support from his caseworker?  I spend 24/7 with this child and I recognize that he needs therapy, so don't tell me that he has been assessed and is fine.  That is absurd!  Did you make that decision in the 2-3 hours you have spent with him since he has been in care, Caseworker?  I understand that they are swamped and overloaded, but when a foster family is in crisis, you need to act.

As if Thursday wasn't bad enough, Friday was much, much worse.  I fully expected someone to come pick him up on Friday, so I was not surprised to find someone from CPS at my door.  However, I was surprised to find out that they were not here to get the little guy, but to investigate me for CHILD ABUSE!  Are you f-ing kidding me????  I was in disbelief, dumbfounded, and completely sick to my stomach.  How can this be happening to me?

They cannot tell me who made the allegation, but I can only assume it was a neighbor who has witnessed what the little guy does, without seeing the full picture.  I was accused of lifting him by his arm and being "overly rough" with him.  What they probably didn't see was his tantrum and falling to the ground while I was holding his hand.  What am I supposed to do?  Let go of him and let him crack his head open instead?  Keep in mind that not only am I trying to walk him out to the car, but I also have another baby in an infant car seat.  The last time I checked I only had two arms. 

Anyway, the investigation lasted about 30 minutes and I had to get both kids up from a nap so the investigator could undress them and look for bruises.  Of course there weren't any bruises or signs of abuse because THEY ARE NOT ABUSED!  Luckily for me the investigator said the allegations are unsubstantiated, meaning she did not find anything.  I really don't need this crap.  I started foster care to help these kids, not have CPS in my home, nitpicking everything I do.  I have a biological child who is my top priority and an infant that I am in the process of adopting and the last thing I need is for them to suspect I would do something like that and remove all children from my home, including Cam. 

Needless to say I was extremely pissed, so much so that I think my blood was actually boiling.  I wanted to send all of my neighbors a letter telling them to f-off, and include a video of what occurred at the doctor's office the previous day.  Maybe put the video on a loop in my front yard inviting anyone who felt they could deal with him better to come on over, help themselves and see how well it went for them.  I have never in my life thought that I would be in such a situation.  I did, however, call little man's caseworker, and her supervisor, and demanded that he be removed immediately.  I will not tolerate having his behavior misconstrued as abuse and having allegations made against me.  Funny- she returned that phone call within the hour.

Once I cooled down, I realized that whoever made the allegation was just doing what they felt was right, and while I am pissed that it happened to me, there are too many people who witness abuse and turn the other cheek.  I have to assume that I would have done the same thing if I saw something.  It really is an obligation to these children, because so many are abused and no one does or says anything.

So, little man is leaving on Monday and I have a sense of relief.  I am relieved because he puts the other kids at risk, especially the baby, and our home will once again be calm- at least until the next placement.  Relief because I won't dread getting up in the morning to deal with him and count to minutes until bedtime.  Relief because I live like a battered woman, trying not to upset the apple cart and enrage him, trying not to go past the point of no return.

But with that relief comes a little bit of sadness.  I do love him, and even though he had been nothing short of a nightmare most days, he has found a place in my heart.  I truly believe that he wants to show that he loves you, but he just isn't capable- he hasn't been taught how.  Sad because who knows what the future holds form him?  I really do hope that he is placed with a family who can deal with special needs children, because that's what he is.  He needs one-on-one attention, and someone with bucket loads of patience, and that someone isn't me.  I am hoping he will receive the services he needs because the pediatrician got involved, and that he learns to love and accept being loved. 

So, Little Man, we say good-bye to you and wish you the best.  You will always hold a special place in my heart and I really do hope that the future is good to you.

Looking For the Light At the End of the Tunnel

I am not really sure how much more of this I can take.  Every single day is a challenge, and it hasn't gotten easier.  I have so much guilt for what I am feeling, and I just feel awful about myself.  I dread getting out of bed in the morning, and I have to give myself pep talks throughout the day just to make it to bedtime.  I just want to scream!  It just isn't fair to my family to make them continue to deal with this child.

The fact that he is a baby is not lost on me, and I know that this is not his fault.  BUT, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.  He was supposed to only be here for a couple of weeks, and then a month, now who knows.  I can't get ahold of anyone who can tell me anything and I am beyond frustrated.  I just want an estimated time of departure so I have something to look forward to.

I think the thing that concerns me the most about this little guy is how easily he can turn it on and off.  When he is with anyone else he is a perfect angel, but the moment he is alone with us, BAM!  I swear he sprouts horns and a tail.  It is ridiculous.  I have tried so many different things, but nothing is working.  I have even tried to give him one-on-one time, but he is not interested in me unless one of the other kids are around and requiring my attention.

He also seems to have some extreme jealousy issues.  He is constantly in trouble for hitting, laying on, scratching, etc. the other baby.  This morning I had them both ready to walk out the door, turned around to grab my purse and keys, and there he was with both hands on top of the other baby's head (the other baby was strapped into his car seat) and he was PUSHING the baby's head down as hard as he could.  What the hell?  What am I supposed to do about that?  I can't spank him, slap his hand, or anything else.  I can only use Time Out.  Effective, right?

On a brighter note, the other baby is doing well, in spite of the tyrant.  I cannot believe how big he is getting, or how fast time has flown right by.  He has been in our care for over seven months now, and I can't imagine him not being here anymore.  We have a Severance Hearing next week and I am eager to get the ball rolling for adoption.  We are so close, but I am still cautious.  And the closer we get, the more my nerves are shot.  I just make myself sick thinking about everything that can happen, good or bad.  I have nightmares that he is being taken away and I wake up panicked.  Can we be done already?

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I cannot wait until I can introduce my little guy to everyone! 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It is amazing how one two-hour visit can derail all progress that has been made thus far.  The little guy has been coming around and seemed to be adjusting better.  He even said "Up" yesterday when he wanted to get in his highchair for lunch.  He has been throwing fewer fits, and knows when he is doing something he shouldn't and has started redirecting himself.   He still has moments, but it was getting better.

Today he had a visit with family, and it seems that all progress has been lost.  At first he was happy and smiley, playing- and then it all turned around.  I think it was a matter of thirty minutes before it started going down hill.  He started arching and throwing himself to the floor, screaming and crying, throwing things, and hitting.  I am hoping that he is just tired and it has been a long day, but I am discouraged.  I honestly don't think I can start all over again.  It's depressing really. 

Ugh!

Adjusting to the new little guy has been nothing short of a challenge.  Being the baby of a lot(!) of kids, he hasn't had much, if any, discipline.  I thought he had some developmental delays, but then I realized that he was blatantly ignoring me.  Isn't 14 months a little young to completely tune someone out?  He doesn't respond to anything, including his name, and will stare blankly off into space.  Completely frustrating.

Temper tantrums are the name of the game with this one.  He doesn't speak (only uses four words), so instead of trying to communicate he will whine and literally throw himself into things.  He throws himself into the crib railing, the tile floor, walls, furniture, and he just barely missed the brick fireplace the other day.  It is so aggravating that he is over a year old and doesn't talk.  He should at least be able to say milk, ball, or down, instead of a grunt, a whine, and a complete freak out.  I am trying to work with him but he is not interested, and when I try he throws a fit.  Awesome.

Bedtime and nap time are ridiculous.  It turns out that he was NEVER put to bed alone.  He would always sleep with someone else, meaning he did not have a set nap time or bedtime.  He goes to bed crying and screaming, wakes up throughout the night, and wakes up crying in the morning.  Thank God the other baby is so mellow- he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

There has been a little bit of a decrease in the amount of tantrums thrown.  I think he may be beginning to realize that I don't tolerate this behavior.  You can throw your fit- in the Pack N Play (to avoid injury), but I will not engage.  I will tell you no, and I don't give in to tiny tyrant tantrums or demands.  We'll get there eventually, and then he will go to another placement and I will get to start all over again with the next placement.  Tis the life of a foster family.

I do my best to give them the love and attention they require and meet their needs.  Some days are harder than others, and I pray for bedtime. And other days I question what I am doing and want to bang my head into the wall.  I am so grateful that I have fantastic friends who are more than willing to help me out, whether at their home or mine.  This would be so much harder if it weren't for you.

Being a foster parent is rewarding, but it is also more difficult than I thought it would be.  You cannot discipline foster kids like you would your own.  The only form of acceptable discipline is time out, and we all know that doesn't work on some kids- especially ones who lack any kind of discipline.  Sure, let me get this one-year-old to sit in the same spot, quietly, for 60 seconds.  There is also the last minute visits, dealing with manipulative parents, and always waiting for information.

I wake up every day hoping that today will be better.  We will bond a little more, work on communicating, play together, and hopefully have at least one less tantrum.  Here's to another day of opportunity!

Our New Little Guy

Our foster license was successfully amended over a week ago.  We can now have two foster children at one time, and I have to wonder what I was thinking.  CPS wasted little time in placing another baby with us, this time a 14-month-old boy.  Let's just say that the 6-month-old has spoiled me.

The new little guy came with zero information and epic temper tantrums.  To say the last eight days have been a challenge would be an understatement, and I have been pushed to my limit.  Thanks to wonderful friends who have stepped in to give me a break, we have made it through the first week (mostly) intact.  I have had to take a step back, breath deeply, and remember that this baby is the way he is due to his circumstances.  It is evident that no one worked with him, so he doesn't talk much (he only says two words- "Mom" and "Don't"), he doesn't seem to comprehend questions or understand much of what is going on around him, and he throws the worst temper tantrums I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with- he goes completely limp and will just drop to the floor.  Bedtime and nap time are a bit of a nightmare because he literally throws himself into the crib railing.  I wish there was something more I could do for him, but my only option is to let him be (in his contained environment- per the pediatrician), and hope that he starts to understand that fits don't get you what you want.  I can confidently say that I doubt he had set nap times or bedtimes, was given bottles to keep him quiet, and he really had to compete for attention.  I have a lot of work ahead of me!

I may get frustrated, and cry, but in the end I just hope that we make a difference for him.  My days are difficult, and I may vent my frustrations, but this baby needs me just like the other one does.  Unfortunately, he will probably be moved to his permanent home once we get a routine down, and then it will start all over again with the next one. 

Hurdle #1- Cleared!

Today has been a very eventful day, to say the least.  We now have a case number for our adoption certification, we received information from licensing to increase the number foster kids we can have to two, and we had court this afternoon to change the baby's case plan. 

After a small delay due to scheduling conflicts (because the courts schedule three hearings for the same time...) and the tardiness of an attorney, the case plan has been changed to severance and adoption.  So, YAY!  We cleared the first hurdle and we couldn't be happier.  We now have a severance hearing scheduled at the beginning of September, and we will see where it goes from there.  We still have a 90% chance of becoming his forever family, and we are so excited!  As I have said before, I truly believe he was meant to be ours. 

Being a foster parent is so emotionally draining.  I feel like I am on pins and needles most of the time, and the waiting drives me nuts.  There are days when I wonder if I am doing the right thing, and wonder if I really am cut out for this.  I go through some days just dreading what it would be like if CPS decided the baby should be somewhere else or with his bio family.  I lose sleep over it, I cry over it, and it makes me sad some days.   The closer we get to the severance and the adoption, I'm sure I will be a nervous and emotional wreck- just like I was today and have been for the last six months. But then I look at this miracle baby and I know that we are doing the right thing, we are cut out for this, and we are making a huge difference in this child's life.  I know that we have given this baby a chance he may not have otherwise had.  I read to him, I play with him, I talk to him, and I take care of every need he has.  In our hearts, he is ours and he is right where he needs to be. 

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  They are greatly appreciated!  I cannot wait until this is all over and done so we can legally call him ours.

The Waiting Game

I never expected to do so much waiting.  It is difficult to get clear answers to my many questions because each question can have multiple outcomes.  The waiting is driving me crazy!

On the bright side, we have a 90% chance of being the baby's forever family and I am so excited!  On the flip side, there is still a 10% chance that he won't be ours, so I am trying really hard to stay grounded.  I don't think I can stand the heartache if they take him away.  In our minds, and hearts, he is already ours.  He belongs with us, and there is no doubt in my mind that this is my child.

A  few weeks ago I received an email from his mom stating that she wanted to sign him over to us.  She knew in her heart that she cannot take care of him and that she knew he was where he belongs, and she was going to contact her attorney to proceed.  That was three weeks ago, and I have yet to hear anything.  It looks like we will have to wait until court at the end of the month to find out what is going on.  It is so frustrating and my nerves are shot.  I really want to have him stay and be ours, but I can't fully let myself go there yet. 

I Cannot Believe This Is Actually Happening!

So many things have happened since my last post but, due to confidentiality, I cannot write about them. It is frustrating to not be able to discuss with anyone what goes on, but that is the name of the game.

We did have another CFT today and, of course, the bio parents were a "no show".  However, it did give me a chance to discuss things with his CPS caseworker, and I have to say I walked away a much happier foster mommy.  I found out that the bio parents are not doing what they need to do, never mind missing more than half of their visits last month, and CPS is moving forward with severance and adoption.  In my last post I vented about how bio family trumps  foster foster, and that this would be the time for bio family to come out of the woodwork and we would have to say goodbye.  Well, I found out today that that is not always the case and, more specifically, not our case!

Because no one has stepped forward to take the baby in, CPS is moving forward with US(!!!!) to adopt him.  I cannot believe this is happening.  It has been a roller coaster ride all day and I cannot process this at all.  I have been trying to protect my heart for these last four months, so I have been reluctant to even truly consider adoption as an option, mainly because I was told that bio family is first on the list regardless.  We still have to be realistic and not get carried away because nothing is final until the ink dries, but I can finally see his adoption on the horizon and we are so close!  I cannot believe that this precious little boy could very soon be ours.  We can actually be his "forever family". 

I am a believer in "things happen for a reason", and I believe that we had been dragging our feet for a reason.  There is a reason that the process took as long as it did.  There is a reason that we were licensed when we were.  There was a reason our first foster children were only with us for five or ten days.  And there is a reason that this baby was placed with us, and I sincerely hope that reason is because he is meant to be our little boy.

So I ask for your prayers and positive thoughts.  I will also keep my fingers and toes crossed, and keep you updated on what happens.  Thank you!!

A Little Hope, But Not Too Much

Court went as well as I expected today.  The good news is we are a little closer to becoming his "forever family".  The bad news is that it's only a 50% chance- or less.  The closer we come to severance and adoption the more likely family will start coming out of the woodwork, and we will no longer be a contender.  I am slightly encouraged, but I am not holding my breath.

I don't understand how the state can come in and remove the child from the stable foster family they have come to know and love, and put them with "family".  This could be family they never even met, but because they are related they are the first choice!  If the family member wants the child so badly, then why aren't they there from the beginning?  Why don't they have visitation with the child so they can start forming a bond?  Why aren't they going to appointments and communicating with us to find out what he likes or dislikes, how he's doing, or atteending court appointments?  It is completely ridiculous if you ask me.  Do they think he is a puppy and are waiting for him to be "trained".  Are they waiting for all of the hard work to be done?  My guess would be yes. 

I am annoyed and angry with his bio parents.  They didn't even show up for court today, which is so unfortunate (fortunate??) for the baby.  Another strike against them, but it really hurts my heart to know that they don't care at all for the baby they consiously brought into this world.  I know he is too young to know the difference, but I can't help but be sad for him.  I know that he doesn't belong with them, but my God, this is your flesh and blood.  I just don't get it.  I could never abandon my child like that, or turn the other cheek.  I guess I will never understand those who can.

Aggravation seems to be the name of the game.  I am not one to keep my opinion to myself, and I find it increasingly difficult to hold my tongue.  I just want to lash out and shake them.  I worry about his future and all I can do is hope and pray for the best.  As I've said before, if we are not meant to be his family, fine.  But I really hope someone is watching out for this baby.  He deserves so much more than the hand he was dealt.

A Letter to the Bio Parents

Dear Bio Parents,

I don't even know where to begin.  When we started this nearly three months ago, I thought maybe you could do it, just maybe.  I know any addiction is a disease, but I had hope that you would turn it around.  I even thought I saw remorse in your eyes.  Apparently, I did not.  I should have listened to my gut.  My gut said, "Not gonna happen.  They'll put on a show for a little while, and then they will disappear."  I ignored my gut- shame on me. 

Please tell me how you can look into your baby's big brown eyes and not even try for his sake?  How can you not do right by this beautiful baby?  How can you cancel visits, or not even show up at all?  Why are we even going through the motions if you aren't even going to try?  The last time I checked, babies were not just dropped off on your doorstep, so you knew what you were doing and you had time to change your behaviors. But if carrying a precious life didn't make you change, then why would bringing this little miracle into the world make a difference.  Please don't tell me what a "miracle he is", or comment on his "rough start" again.  You are the reason for the "rough start"- try taking responsibility for that.  It would be a great first step.  And please stop speaking to me like I am a friend doing you a favor, because I'm not.

You can tell me you are his mom all you want, and that may be true.  But know this- I am his MOTHER.  I feed, and change, and dress, and play with, and rock him to sleep every day.  He looks into my eyes and smiles, because he only knows me as his mommy.  I thought about this long and hard, and I came to realize you have the perfect situation.  You have to buy one pack of diapers and a can of formula every three months.  You don't get up in the middle of the night, and you don't have to deal with any medical issues or constant crying.  You spend four to five blissful hours a week with him and then send him on his way. 

If, by some miracle, he goes back to you, we may all die a little inside.  What will happen to this precious baby when he is taken from the only home he knows?  I pray that you make one important "parenting" decision for him, and that is to do what is best for him- whatever that may be.  It may not mean he stays with us and we become his forever family, but as long as the outcome is the best for him, then so be it.

I want you to know that my heart aches and I cry for him.  I cry because of the rough start he had.  I cry because you don't make any effort.  I cry because I love him so very much, and I don't want anything or anyone to hurt him.  I am grateful he is so young, because he has no idea what is going on.

I also want you to know how much he is loved.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't hear "I love you".  He gets kisses and hugs, smiles and snuggles all day, every day.  Our friends and family have embraced him and love him almost as much as we do. 

I hope the end result is in his best interest.  He will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always love this beautiful miracle.

Sincerely,

The Foster Mom

Why Foster?

A lot of people have asked us why we chose to become a foster family, and I haven't been able to find the words to explain it fully.  I tell them that we have always wanted more children and we never intended for our son to be an only child.  I also tell them that there are so many children out there who need safe and loving homes, and we are happy to open our home and our hearts to them.  The deep down honest truth is so much more personal and painful.

I have always wanted children, at least two.  I looked forward to being a mom and raising my little family, and always thought I would get pregnant right away and everything would work out just right.  Sadly, that is not what happened.  I had always had issues with my "cycle".  It was abnormal to say the least and my doctors would brush it off as nothing and send me on my way, not wanting to spend the time listening to and addressing my concerns.  So, I just went about my business thinking it was nothing.

I married relatively young- at 21- and figured we would get pregnant right away.  It was easy, right?  How long could it possibly take?  The first month went by, then another, and another, and before I knew it we had been trying for over a year.  I know people try for much longer, but I am not exactly what you would call patient, and I wanted a baby NOW, not years down the road.  I had read that if you are actively trying to get pregnant for one year, and it doesn't happen, you are considered "infertile".  That, paired with my medical history, took me right to a fertility specialist.

The specialist confirmed my fears and put me on Clomid.  He produced what my husband refers to as the "Quiga Wheel" and told us we would be pregnant the next time he saw us.  I was skeptical, but lo and behold I got pregnant my second month on Clomid.  I couldn't believe it!  I was finally going to be a mom and I could be more excited!  After some complications (bleeding, hypertension, preeclampsia, etc.), our son was born in December 2002 at 37 weeks.  I am so grateful to have him every day, and I know he is our miracle.

We planned to have more babies and figured I would just take Clomid again because it worked so well the first time.  But we tried Clomid for a year and nothing happened.  Clomid is rough on the hormones, and it was tough on everyone.  It causes severe mood swings, hot flashes, nausea, headaches, dizziness, and does not make for a very pleasant wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend.  After the failed attempts, we chose not to go another round and come to terms with not having more children of our own.

Attempting to accept your infertility is devastating.  The hardest part is trying to cope with knowledge that you will never carry another baby, and it was not your decision.  I tortured myself by watching "A Baby Story", "Bringing Home Baby", and any other show about babies.  I would wander around Babies R Us, imagining how I would have decorated another nursery.  I was envious of anyone who was having a baby, and I fell into a deep depression.  I wondered why teenagers and  people who don't even want kids get pregnant every day and I couldn't?  Where is the justice in that? I felt like less of a woman because I could not become pregnant again, and give my son a sibling.  Thinking about it still hurts, and to this day I struggle to accept that there will not be more babies that are the best parts of my husband and myself.  I consider myself "broken".

We had considered adoption in the past, but the cost is/was out of our reach.  Adoption costs anywhere from $25,000-$50,000.  Where were we going to get that kind of money?  Adoption was not the option for us.

So after eight years of heartbreak, we went away for Easter weekend with some friends, and friends of friends.  It was an "off the grid" kind of weekend without TV, cellphones, and computers, and it was lovely.  We made new friends and spent time talking to each other while our kids played in the pool.  I happened to ask one of the other ladies what she did and she told me she worked for a fostering agency, and told me a little about fostering.  There was also a little boy brought to our weekend getaway who had been abandoned by his mother.  They had not heard from or seen her in months, and my heart broke for this little boy.  How could someone abandon their child and just disappear?  He stole my heart that weekend and led us to ultimately make the decision to become foster parents to the other children who needed love and protection- those who needed to experience what being part of a family is all about.  We decided "fostering to adopt" was what we wanted to do.

Our journey began the following week.  We signed up for our PS-MAPP classes (mandatory classes for potential foster parents), passed our background checks, were finger-printed, and began collecting everything we needed to foster.  We first had to pick an age range and we choose newborn to three years old.  We had to buy a convertible crib, dresser, changing table, car seats (infant and convertible), a highchair, stroller, bottles, and everything else necessary to take care of a child in our age range. 

I'll admit I dragged my feet for awhile.  The process went so quickly.  Our classes started in May and ended in July, and by the time we had our home study and inspection completed, we could have had a placement by the beginning of September.  My mind started to race and I was nervous.  I started thinking of reasons why we couldn't do it right now: my job was not conducive for taking the time off necessary for appointments, our house wasn't clean enough (is a house ever?  One that is lived in isn't), we needed more this or that, we had something to do this weekend, etc.  It took a year and half to finally do it, but here we are, and we are just getting our feet wet.

It takes time and patience, and I still think about what it would be like to carry another baby of my own.  But each child coming into my home, despite the amount of time they are here, is my child.  I may not have carried them, but they are no less my babies.  I care for them, I love them, and I will do my best to help them heal, just as they are helping me heal my heart and my spirit.

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting

Here we are again, putting our lives on hold. I am really trying to be accommodating, but I don't appreciate having to change my plans at the last minute.  The baby is supposed to have a supervised visit on Wednesdays with his parents, but one of them has started a new job and may not be able to make it.  There was a request to change the visits to the weekend, but that doesn't really work for us.  I know how that sounds, but I am not a glorified babysitter/nanny and I am not willing to change the visit day.  I don't mind one weekend a month, but not every weekend. 

I spoke with the grandmother early this afternoon, and she said she had not heard from the parents yet. That seems to be the pattern here.  The parents don't call CPS back, they don't call the grandmother back, the don't call the behavioral people back, and they don't respond to emails in a timely fashion.  Really?  How badly do you want to get your baby back?  Let us be grown ups and take some responsibility, please.

So, here I am waiting for the confirmation phone call.  Do we have an appointment tomorrow or not?  Are we rescheduling?  I did make plans for myself tomorrow so I had something to do during the two and a half hour visit, but I guess that isn't going to happen.  Considering I spend 24/7 with the baby, I would love some "Me Time".  Even if that means finding a park and reading a book, getting a cup of coffee, or going to get a massage, I still would like to take some time out for myself.

I am wondering at what point I get to cancel the appointment without looking like the bad guy.  I suppose it is past time to set some ground rules, but clearly we need to.  Since we are still new at this I am not quite sure what to do, but I would guess a call to the CPS caseworker is in order.  I can't imagine CPS expects the foster parents to put everything on hold and be at the mercy of the bio parents.  After all, I'm not the one trying to prove I should get my baby back.

I'm still not sure how to process these feelings and have found out that our foster agency is now offering a support group.  I can't tell you how excited I am about this.  I can't wait to meet other foster parents and learn how they deal with different situations and their emotions.  I can't wait to hear their stories and network.  I am hoping we meet another family that lives near us.  That would be great!

Excuse Me, What Comes Next?

I am very much a scheduled person.  I make lists, I keep a calendar, I have appointments, and that is the way I have always been.  I like to know how things work and what the process is, and how long it should take to get something done.  When do I need to be there and what do I need to bring with me?

However, becoming a foster parent has shot all of that to hell.  There is a lot of "sit around and wait", which drives me nuts, and means I need to be prepared for anything.  I wish there was a flow chart available that just laid out how all of this is supposed to work, because trust me, there is a different answer from each person you ask. 

I did find out today that a new caseworker has been assigned and we have an appointment to meet this week.  I also found out that a "Parent Aide" will be assigned to us, which is great because the new caseworker is located over an hour away and the Parent Aide will have to do all of the transporting for the weekly visit with the family.  Not only will that save me a lot of gas money (and maybe a tank of gas will last more than three days), but that also means I get some "Me Time".  "Me Time" will be spent scrubbing toilets, washing floors, vacuuming, dusting, and taking care of all of the other things I don't get done during the week.  I may actually get to go to the grocery store by myself.  Who's jealous?

I have come to find that I enjoy being a foster parent, especially for this baby.  Everything is so new for him and I love sharing that with him.  I remember when Cameron was little and I loved to see look of wonderment in his eyes, and introducing him to new things.  I truly miss that.  Cameron doesn't need me like he used to, and that hurts a little.  But it also means I can dedicate more time to the children in foster care who come into our home, and that is important. 

So, I will just have to adjust to the unpredictable and see where this journey takes us!

Every Child Deserves a Chance

Deciding to become a foster family took about 30 seconds.  Completing the process on the other hand, took a year and a half.  I began questioning my own abilities and wondering how I was going to cope with falling head over heels in love with our foster children and then have them returned to the homes they were removed from.  I asked myself time and again, "What are you thinking?" and "How are you going to do this?".  I really went back and forth wondering if this was the right thing to do and what would the impact be on our little family.

And then I started to look inside myself, and I knew providing a loving home to a child in foster care was absolutely the right thing to do.  I know my family is strong enough to embrace these babies, love them and help them heal, and eventually let go.  It hurts my heart when they leave because, while they are in our home for just a little bit, they are my children.  Each one deserve the chance to know what love is, what it means to be part of a family, and to know what it feels like to be safe. 

Our first foster child came to us just before Christmas.  She was bright, friendly, and had quite the attitude for a three year old.  She mainly spoke Spanish, so communicating was a challenge.  I speak enough Spanish to ask yes/no questions, but there was no way to carry on a conversation.  She was with us for five days, including through Christmas. 

We didn't have another child placed with us for about three weeks.  The next one was adorable.  She was not quite two, and she was very much behind developmentally.  She didn't speak at all, and would only whine and cry.  Again, difficult to communicate, but by the time she left she could say a few words and would try to speak.  She was only here ten days, but in those ten days we fell in love. 

The day she went home was heartbreaking.  A dark cloud seemed to settle on our home and we were all depressed to a certain degree.  Our son was devestated, my husband was sad, and I was not sure how to process what I was feeling.  I had spent the last ten days with her 24/7.  We had a routine, and now what am I supposed to do? Over the next few days I spent a lot of time on Pinterest not looking for anything in particular.  And then I ran across what I believe should be the motto for foster parents everywhere.  It read, "If you are brave enough for the goodbyes, life will reward you with another hello", and I thought that was a perfect way to look at this whole fostering business.

The very next day I changed my attitude.  I got up, took Cameron to school, cleaned the house, and took care of business.  At 11:30am I received a phone call from the CPS office asking if I could take a newborn.  He was just over a week old and needed placement.  I told them I could and we made arrangements to pick him up.  I was so nervous when I picked him up that my hands were shaking.  It had been over ten years since I had an infant to care for and I was more than a little panicked.  You really forget how tiny they are, but it all started coming back and within 24 hours the nervousness had disappeared.

He has been with us for about a month, and although his is not my story to tell, I will share my own thoughts and feelings.  I've been through the disbelief (how could they do this?), anger (how dare they do this), anomosity (when you realize you are going through the hardest part and he will be returned home after he is sleeping through the night), despair (at 2am when he is screaming and crying, and nothing you do seems to help), defeat (when he is still screaming and crying for no apparent reason), and the acceptance (you knew it might be like this).  I think we are over the hump now and it can only get better (here's to hoping, anyway!).

I met his parents today in what CPS refers to as the "Ice Breaker", where you sit down and share a few things with the bio family (also a CPS term).  We discussed any allergies the baby may have, habits, things to look for, etc.  I honestly wanted to dislike them.  After all, they made very poor decisions that affected this innocent baby and should never get him back.  He's better off with us, the only family he has really had for the first month of his life.  What in the world would I have to say to them, and how could I say it without thinking they were the lowest of life forms.  And then we met, and I saw the remorse in their eyes and the realization of what happened.  They actually thanked us for taking him in and giving him the love and care he needs. 

Is all forgiven?  Of course not, but the whole purpose of foster care is for reunification and I have to do my part to make sure the best interest of the child is met.  We have to work together to repair this family, and a child can never have too many people to love them.  I'm not saying this will be easy, and I will die a little inside if he is returned to his parents, but I also want what is best.  Whether it is staying with us and we become his permanent family, he goes home to his parents, or another family member adopts him, I have to believe it will be the best outcome for him.

I hope you follow our journey through the foster care system, as we can use all the support we can get.  This isn't the easiest road to take, but I have to believe that we will make a difference in the lives of the children we meet along the way, and that we are all better off because of it.