Decisions to be Made

It has been a week since we took Little Man back to his caseworker, and our home has been so quiet and peaceful.  Everyone is just so much happier.  The last 7-10 days have really had me on edge and re-thinking our decision to continue fostering.  I think I am looking for direction, or a sign, or something to help me decide what I really want to do.

Just when I thought the CPS investigation was over, I got another phone call from the investigator.  She needed to speak to Joe and Cam so she could finish her report and get everything cleared up.  Really?  I mean I get it, but DAMN!  Please leave me alone.  I didn't do anything wrong and I want to put this all behind me.  I am mortified, and extremely hurt, that someone would even think that I would abuse anyone.  Can I please just turn the page and finish this chapter?  I am so over it.

The investigator came out again last Thursday after speaking to Joe earlier in the week.  Cam was very honest and open, answered all of her questions.  I asked him later what she asked him and he said she asked him about Little Man.  He told me that he "had plenty of feedback on that".  He is so my son, and I love it. 

During this time we chose to not go back on the placement list, and I have to be honest and admit that I have enjoyed to peace and quiet.  Sadly, and I hate to admit this, I don't miss Little Man.  I wish him the best and I really do hope that her receives what he needs, but I just don't miss the chaos, the tantrums, and the discord in our home.  There, I said it.

While we chose to not go on the list for the last week, I was informed by my agency today that we will not go back on the placement list for a little bit.  I wasn't exactly given a time frame, but the excuse/reason I was given was "so our family could take a break and the adding another child would not cause us too much stress".  I am not exactly sure how to take that, but I really feel like I am being punished for something that I had no control over.  I did everything I was supposed to do and I still got the short end of the stick.  My attitude about going back on the placement list was basically to pick up and carry on.  I felt that if we waited any longer, we would change our minds and not take anymore kids  Of course my fear is having another child like Little Man placed with us so soon, but that is a chance we would have to take.

Now, however, I am kind of pissed off.  Again, I did nothing wrong- I will not waiver from that statement.  I tried to contact the caseworker, I contacted our licensing agent, I requested daycare (I was denied), I requested respite (which I had to cancel due to illness), I told my doctor what was going on, I have taken all training offered to me through my licensing agency, I allowed CPS into my home (TWICE) to interview myself and my family because of bogus allegations.  What else am I supposed to do? 

Obviously our number one priority is to protect the children already in our home- Cam and the baby.  We are so close to adopting the baby and I don't want anything to derail that.  But I don't see what the big deal is about putting us back on the placement list and letting us move forward.  Unfortunately, this hiatus is giving me far too much time to think about whether we want to continue to foster after our adoption is completed because I really don't want another child like Little Man- ever again.  I realize that is unrealistic, but I appreciate the break.  I can't deny it.  Does that make me a bad person?  I don't think so.  I think it means I know my limitations and he was beyond my scope.

I can tell you that I have learned some very valuable lessons during this nightmare.

1. I think purchasing a nanny cam is in order so we can protect ourselves.
2. If we choose to continue fostering, I will NEVER allow a caseworker to ignore me again.  I will call the caseworker all day- every hour on the hour, half hour, whatever- until you address what I need/want.  If I have to show up in your office, I will.
3. Our communication will be mainly through email so I have a record and backup to any claims against either myself or the caseworker.
4. If I have to call the caseworker, it will be phone calls from my cell only so I can easily pull records from my service provider.
5. I will document EVERY email, phone call, contact, etc. by keeping a detailed log.  This log will include date, time, content of conversation, notes, and whatever else I can think of.
6. I will never be "nice" or "compassionate" toward a caseworker's case load.  I'm sorry, Caseworker.  It is your job to address the comments/concerns/complaints/needs of the children assigned to you.  I can only do so much without your assistance.

This whole experience has been completely f-ed, and to be honest, I am fed up.  I question everything, and other than the pending adoption of the baby, I am having a hard time thinking this was a good idea- at least amending our license to take on two kids in foster care.  I don't know what it may take to change my mind, but I think tonight we have decided that continuing to foster is not for us, especially if we are punished for doing what we thought we were supposed to.  I don't know. There are so many children in foster care who need stable homes and a family to love them.  It breaks my heart to know that we can provide that, but I am not sure we want a repeat of the last 6-7 weeks.  I know not all foster children are like the one we just had (the baby is proof of that), but the risk is just too high.  I guess only time will tell.