I am not really sure how much more of this I can take. Every single day is a challenge, and it hasn't gotten easier. I have so much guilt for what I am feeling, and I just feel awful about myself. I dread getting out of bed in the morning, and I have to give myself pep talks throughout the day just to make it to bedtime. I just want to scream! It just isn't fair to my family to make them continue to deal with this child.
The fact that he is a baby is not lost on me, and I know that this is not his fault. BUT, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. He was supposed to only be here for a couple of weeks, and then a month, now who knows. I can't get ahold of anyone who can tell me anything and I am beyond frustrated. I just want an estimated time of departure so I have something to look forward to.
I think the thing that concerns me the most about this little guy is how easily he can turn it on and off. When he is with anyone else he is a perfect angel, but the moment he is alone with us, BAM! I swear he sprouts horns and a tail. It is ridiculous. I have tried so many different things, but nothing is working. I have even tried to give him one-on-one time, but he is not interested in me unless one of the other kids are around and requiring my attention.
He also seems to have some extreme jealousy issues. He is constantly in trouble for hitting, laying on, scratching, etc. the other baby. This morning I had them both ready to walk out the door, turned around to grab my purse and keys, and there he was with both hands on top of the other baby's head (the other baby was strapped into his car seat) and he was PUSHING the baby's head down as hard as he could. What the hell? What am I supposed to do about that? I can't spank him, slap his hand, or anything else. I can only use Time Out. Effective, right?
On a brighter note, the other baby is doing well, in spite of the tyrant. I cannot believe how big he is getting, or how fast time has flown right by. He has been in our care for over seven months now, and I can't imagine him not being here anymore. We have a Severance Hearing next week and I am eager to get the ball rolling for adoption. We are so close, but I am still cautious. And the closer we get, the more my nerves are shot. I just make myself sick thinking about everything that can happen, good or bad. I have nightmares that he is being taken away and I wake up panicked. Can we be done already?
We still have a long road ahead of us, but I cannot wait until I can introduce my little guy to everyone!
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