I really debated about writing this post because the content is mostly embarrassing and unpleasant, but I started this blog to express my feelings and share our experience with foster care. This has basically been a craptastic week. It started with the usual- little man being difficult and unruly- and just got worse from there. Brace yourself.
Thursday started like any other difficult and exhausting day. Every moment from when little man gets up and until he goes to bed is a challenge, but this day was one for the books. He had a well-check with the pediatrician on Thursday, which should have been fine, but it quickly turned into hell for me. I still don't know what the hell happened, but he had one of his "episodes". He started screaming, crying, thrashing, arching, bucking, you name it. I tried to calm him down by holding him, putting my arm around him, talking to him, etc., but he would have nothing to do with it. Nothing I did made a difference and he would just push me away. It went on for about 10-15 minutes before I thought to record what was going on, and boy am I glad I did. We even had a medical assistant come in to check on him and ask if he was okay. I explained that he was fine and that I deal with this every day.
Finally the doctor came in, but with little man's crying, screaming, and whatever, I couldn't hear anything she had to say. She asked a medical assistant to take him out of the room to calm down, and that is when the flood gates opened. I think everything I had been holding inside for the last six weeks just bubbled to the surface and there was no stopping it. I cried, I sobbed, and I broke down. I just couldn't stop myself. I told her about all of his behaviors (behaviors I had been telling his caseworker about and suggesting he receive services): what he was doing to the other baby, what he does to Cam, and what he does to me. He has a mean streak, and he is just awful to the other kids. But I've discussed this before.
I think she may have been slightly horrified by the situation and, after witnessing what had just occurred, felt that the time had come for little man to be placed elsewhere- which is what I have been saying since the beginning. She stepped out of the room to have her staff start calling the caseworker and got the ball rolling. Thank God! I had been trying to contact his caseworker for a week, and I couldn't get through. She didn't even return my email just asking about visits this week. It's is a sad situation when your pediatrician asks if you are okay taking him home. In a way I am grateful for his meltdown. At least someone else could see and experience what I have been talking about. He is always so good for other people, but when it comes to me he is awful. He has some serious anger and behavioral issues that really need to be addressed.
I had mixed emotions after our appointment. I think the most prominent was shame. I feel like I have let this baby down by not being able to provide what he needs, and I felt like I had given up on him. I have done everything in my power to help him, show him that he is loved, and meet his needs. I held on because he was supposed to be leaving soon, but each week the date was pushed out even farther. He was only supposed to be with us for two weeks, and then a month, and here we are six weeks in with no end in sight. How much longer are we supposed to deal with this without any assistance or support from his caseworker? I spend 24/7 with this child and I recognize that he needs therapy, so don't tell me that he has been assessed and is fine. That is absurd! Did you make that decision in the 2-3 hours you have spent with him since he has been in care, Caseworker? I understand that they are swamped and overloaded, but when a foster family is in crisis, you need to act.
As if Thursday wasn't bad enough, Friday was much, much worse. I fully expected someone to come pick him up on Friday, so I was not surprised to find someone from CPS at my door. However, I was surprised to find out that they were not here to get the little guy, but to investigate me for CHILD ABUSE! Are you f-ing kidding me???? I was in disbelief, dumbfounded, and completely sick to my stomach. How can this be happening to me?
They cannot tell me who made the allegation, but I can only assume it was a neighbor who has witnessed what the little guy does, without seeing the full picture. I was accused of lifting him by his arm and being "overly rough" with him. What they probably didn't see was his tantrum and falling to the ground while I was holding his hand. What am I supposed to do? Let go of him and let him crack his head open instead? Keep in mind that not only am I trying to walk him out to the car, but I also have another baby in an infant car seat. The last time I checked I only had two arms.
Anyway, the investigation lasted about 30 minutes and I had to get both kids up from a nap so the investigator could undress them and look for bruises. Of course there weren't any bruises or signs of abuse because THEY ARE NOT ABUSED! Luckily for me the investigator said the allegations are unsubstantiated, meaning she did not find anything. I really don't need this crap. I started foster care to help these kids, not have CPS in my home, nitpicking everything I do. I have a biological child who is my top priority and an infant that I am in the process of adopting and the last thing I need is for them to suspect I would do something like that and remove all children from my home, including Cam.
Needless to say I was extremely pissed, so much so that I think my blood was actually boiling. I wanted to send all of my neighbors a letter telling them to f-off, and include a video of what occurred at the doctor's office the previous day. Maybe put the video on a loop in my front yard inviting anyone who felt they could deal with him better to come on over, help themselves and see how well it went for them. I have never in my life thought that I would be in such a situation. I did, however, call little man's caseworker, and her supervisor, and demanded that he be removed immediately. I will not tolerate having his behavior misconstrued as abuse and having allegations made against me. Funny- she returned that phone call within the hour.
Once I cooled down, I realized that whoever made the allegation was just doing what they felt was right, and while I am pissed that it happened to me, there are too many people who witness abuse and turn the other cheek. I have to assume that I would have done the same thing if I saw something. It really is an obligation to these children, because so many are abused and no one does or says anything.
So, little man is leaving on Monday and I have a sense of relief. I am relieved because he puts the other kids at risk, especially the baby, and our home will once again be calm- at least until the next placement. Relief because I won't dread getting up in the morning to deal with him and count to minutes until bedtime. Relief because I live like a battered woman, trying not to upset the apple cart and enrage him, trying not to go past the point of no return.
But with that relief comes a little bit of sadness. I do love him, and even though he had been nothing short of a nightmare most days, he has found a place in my heart. I truly believe that he wants to show that he loves you, but he just isn't capable- he hasn't been taught how. Sad because who knows what the future holds form him? I really do hope that he is placed with a family who can deal with special needs children, because that's what he is. He needs one-on-one attention, and someone with bucket loads of patience, and that someone isn't me. I am hoping he will receive the services he needs because the pediatrician got involved, and that he learns to love and accept being loved.
So, Little Man, we say good-bye to you and wish you the best. You will always hold a special place in my heart and I really do hope that the future is good to you.
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