Why Foster?

A lot of people have asked us why we chose to become a foster family, and I haven't been able to find the words to explain it fully.  I tell them that we have always wanted more children and we never intended for our son to be an only child.  I also tell them that there are so many children out there who need safe and loving homes, and we are happy to open our home and our hearts to them.  The deep down honest truth is so much more personal and painful.

I have always wanted children, at least two.  I looked forward to being a mom and raising my little family, and always thought I would get pregnant right away and everything would work out just right.  Sadly, that is not what happened.  I had always had issues with my "cycle".  It was abnormal to say the least and my doctors would brush it off as nothing and send me on my way, not wanting to spend the time listening to and addressing my concerns.  So, I just went about my business thinking it was nothing.

I married relatively young- at 21- and figured we would get pregnant right away.  It was easy, right?  How long could it possibly take?  The first month went by, then another, and another, and before I knew it we had been trying for over a year.  I know people try for much longer, but I am not exactly what you would call patient, and I wanted a baby NOW, not years down the road.  I had read that if you are actively trying to get pregnant for one year, and it doesn't happen, you are considered "infertile".  That, paired with my medical history, took me right to a fertility specialist.

The specialist confirmed my fears and put me on Clomid.  He produced what my husband refers to as the "Quiga Wheel" and told us we would be pregnant the next time he saw us.  I was skeptical, but lo and behold I got pregnant my second month on Clomid.  I couldn't believe it!  I was finally going to be a mom and I could be more excited!  After some complications (bleeding, hypertension, preeclampsia, etc.), our son was born in December 2002 at 37 weeks.  I am so grateful to have him every day, and I know he is our miracle.

We planned to have more babies and figured I would just take Clomid again because it worked so well the first time.  But we tried Clomid for a year and nothing happened.  Clomid is rough on the hormones, and it was tough on everyone.  It causes severe mood swings, hot flashes, nausea, headaches, dizziness, and does not make for a very pleasant wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend.  After the failed attempts, we chose not to go another round and come to terms with not having more children of our own.

Attempting to accept your infertility is devastating.  The hardest part is trying to cope with knowledge that you will never carry another baby, and it was not your decision.  I tortured myself by watching "A Baby Story", "Bringing Home Baby", and any other show about babies.  I would wander around Babies R Us, imagining how I would have decorated another nursery.  I was envious of anyone who was having a baby, and I fell into a deep depression.  I wondered why teenagers and  people who don't even want kids get pregnant every day and I couldn't?  Where is the justice in that? I felt like less of a woman because I could not become pregnant again, and give my son a sibling.  Thinking about it still hurts, and to this day I struggle to accept that there will not be more babies that are the best parts of my husband and myself.  I consider myself "broken".

We had considered adoption in the past, but the cost is/was out of our reach.  Adoption costs anywhere from $25,000-$50,000.  Where were we going to get that kind of money?  Adoption was not the option for us.

So after eight years of heartbreak, we went away for Easter weekend with some friends, and friends of friends.  It was an "off the grid" kind of weekend without TV, cellphones, and computers, and it was lovely.  We made new friends and spent time talking to each other while our kids played in the pool.  I happened to ask one of the other ladies what she did and she told me she worked for a fostering agency, and told me a little about fostering.  There was also a little boy brought to our weekend getaway who had been abandoned by his mother.  They had not heard from or seen her in months, and my heart broke for this little boy.  How could someone abandon their child and just disappear?  He stole my heart that weekend and led us to ultimately make the decision to become foster parents to the other children who needed love and protection- those who needed to experience what being part of a family is all about.  We decided "fostering to adopt" was what we wanted to do.

Our journey began the following week.  We signed up for our PS-MAPP classes (mandatory classes for potential foster parents), passed our background checks, were finger-printed, and began collecting everything we needed to foster.  We first had to pick an age range and we choose newborn to three years old.  We had to buy a convertible crib, dresser, changing table, car seats (infant and convertible), a highchair, stroller, bottles, and everything else necessary to take care of a child in our age range. 

I'll admit I dragged my feet for awhile.  The process went so quickly.  Our classes started in May and ended in July, and by the time we had our home study and inspection completed, we could have had a placement by the beginning of September.  My mind started to race and I was nervous.  I started thinking of reasons why we couldn't do it right now: my job was not conducive for taking the time off necessary for appointments, our house wasn't clean enough (is a house ever?  One that is lived in isn't), we needed more this or that, we had something to do this weekend, etc.  It took a year and half to finally do it, but here we are, and we are just getting our feet wet.

It takes time and patience, and I still think about what it would be like to carry another baby of my own.  But each child coming into my home, despite the amount of time they are here, is my child.  I may not have carried them, but they are no less my babies.  I care for them, I love them, and I will do my best to help them heal, just as they are helping me heal my heart and my spirit.

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting

Here we are again, putting our lives on hold. I am really trying to be accommodating, but I don't appreciate having to change my plans at the last minute.  The baby is supposed to have a supervised visit on Wednesdays with his parents, but one of them has started a new job and may not be able to make it.  There was a request to change the visits to the weekend, but that doesn't really work for us.  I know how that sounds, but I am not a glorified babysitter/nanny and I am not willing to change the visit day.  I don't mind one weekend a month, but not every weekend. 

I spoke with the grandmother early this afternoon, and she said she had not heard from the parents yet. That seems to be the pattern here.  The parents don't call CPS back, they don't call the grandmother back, the don't call the behavioral people back, and they don't respond to emails in a timely fashion.  Really?  How badly do you want to get your baby back?  Let us be grown ups and take some responsibility, please.

So, here I am waiting for the confirmation phone call.  Do we have an appointment tomorrow or not?  Are we rescheduling?  I did make plans for myself tomorrow so I had something to do during the two and a half hour visit, but I guess that isn't going to happen.  Considering I spend 24/7 with the baby, I would love some "Me Time".  Even if that means finding a park and reading a book, getting a cup of coffee, or going to get a massage, I still would like to take some time out for myself.

I am wondering at what point I get to cancel the appointment without looking like the bad guy.  I suppose it is past time to set some ground rules, but clearly we need to.  Since we are still new at this I am not quite sure what to do, but I would guess a call to the CPS caseworker is in order.  I can't imagine CPS expects the foster parents to put everything on hold and be at the mercy of the bio parents.  After all, I'm not the one trying to prove I should get my baby back.

I'm still not sure how to process these feelings and have found out that our foster agency is now offering a support group.  I can't tell you how excited I am about this.  I can't wait to meet other foster parents and learn how they deal with different situations and their emotions.  I can't wait to hear their stories and network.  I am hoping we meet another family that lives near us.  That would be great!

Excuse Me, What Comes Next?

I am very much a scheduled person.  I make lists, I keep a calendar, I have appointments, and that is the way I have always been.  I like to know how things work and what the process is, and how long it should take to get something done.  When do I need to be there and what do I need to bring with me?

However, becoming a foster parent has shot all of that to hell.  There is a lot of "sit around and wait", which drives me nuts, and means I need to be prepared for anything.  I wish there was a flow chart available that just laid out how all of this is supposed to work, because trust me, there is a different answer from each person you ask. 

I did find out today that a new caseworker has been assigned and we have an appointment to meet this week.  I also found out that a "Parent Aide" will be assigned to us, which is great because the new caseworker is located over an hour away and the Parent Aide will have to do all of the transporting for the weekly visit with the family.  Not only will that save me a lot of gas money (and maybe a tank of gas will last more than three days), but that also means I get some "Me Time".  "Me Time" will be spent scrubbing toilets, washing floors, vacuuming, dusting, and taking care of all of the other things I don't get done during the week.  I may actually get to go to the grocery store by myself.  Who's jealous?

I have come to find that I enjoy being a foster parent, especially for this baby.  Everything is so new for him and I love sharing that with him.  I remember when Cameron was little and I loved to see look of wonderment in his eyes, and introducing him to new things.  I truly miss that.  Cameron doesn't need me like he used to, and that hurts a little.  But it also means I can dedicate more time to the children in foster care who come into our home, and that is important. 

So, I will just have to adjust to the unpredictable and see where this journey takes us!