Deciding to become a foster family took about 30 seconds. Completing the process on the other hand, took a year and a half. I began questioning my own abilities and wondering how I was going to cope with falling head over heels in love with our foster children and then have them returned to the homes they were removed from. I asked myself time and again, "What are you thinking?" and "How are you going to do this?". I really went back and forth wondering if this was the right thing to do and what would the impact be on our little family.
And then I started to look inside myself, and I knew providing a loving home to a child in foster care was absolutely the right thing to do. I know my family is strong enough to embrace these babies, love them and help them heal, and eventually let go. It hurts my heart when they leave because, while they are in our home for just a little bit, they are my children. Each one deserve the chance to know what love is, what it means to be part of a family, and to know what it feels like to be safe.
Our first foster child came to us just before Christmas. She was bright, friendly, and had quite the attitude for a three year old. She mainly spoke Spanish, so communicating was a challenge. I speak enough Spanish to ask yes/no questions, but there was no way to carry on a conversation. She was with us for five days, including through Christmas.
We didn't have another child placed with us for about three weeks. The next one was adorable. She was not quite two, and she was very much behind developmentally. She didn't speak at all, and would only whine and cry. Again, difficult to communicate, but by the time she left she could say a few words and would try to speak. She was only here ten days, but in those ten days we fell in love.
The day she went home was heartbreaking. A dark cloud seemed to settle on our home and we were all depressed to a certain degree. Our son was devestated, my husband was sad, and I was not sure how to process what I was feeling. I had spent the last ten days with her 24/7. We had a routine, and now what am I supposed to do? Over the next few days I spent a lot of time on Pinterest not looking for anything in particular. And then I ran across what I believe should be the motto for foster parents everywhere. It read, "If you are brave enough for the goodbyes, life will reward you with another hello", and I thought that was a perfect way to look at this whole fostering business.
The very next day I changed my attitude. I got up, took Cameron to school, cleaned the house, and took care of business. At 11:30am I received a phone call from the CPS office asking if I could take a newborn. He was just over a week old and needed placement. I told them I could and we made arrangements to pick him up. I was so nervous when I picked him up that my hands were shaking. It had been over ten years since I had an infant to care for and I was more than a little panicked. You really forget how tiny they are, but it all started coming back and within 24 hours the nervousness had disappeared.
He has been with us for about a month, and although his is not my story to tell, I will share my own thoughts and feelings. I've been through the disbelief (how could they do this?), anger (how dare they do this), anomosity (when you realize you are going through the hardest part and he will be returned home after he is sleeping through the night), despair (at 2am when he is screaming and crying, and nothing you do seems to help), defeat (when he is still screaming and crying for no apparent reason), and the acceptance (you knew it might be like this). I think we are over the hump now and it can only get better (here's to hoping, anyway!).
I met his parents today in what CPS refers to as the "Ice Breaker", where you sit down and share a few things with the bio family (also a CPS term). We discussed any allergies the baby may have, habits, things to look for, etc. I honestly wanted to dislike them. After all, they made very poor decisions that affected this innocent baby and should never get him back. He's better off with us, the only family he has really had for the first month of his life. What in the world would I have to say to them, and how could I say it without thinking they were the lowest of life forms. And then we met, and I saw the remorse in their eyes and the realization of what happened. They actually thanked us for taking him in and giving him the love and care he needs.
Is all forgiven? Of course not, but the whole purpose of foster care is for reunification and I have to do my part to make sure the best interest of the child is met. We have to work together to repair this family, and a child can never have too many people to love them. I'm not saying this will be easy, and I will die a little inside if he is returned to his parents, but I also want what is best. Whether it is staying with us and we become his permanent family, he goes home to his parents, or another family member adopts him, I have to believe it will be the best outcome for him.
I hope you follow our journey through the foster care system, as we can use all the support we can get. This isn't the easiest road to take, but I have to believe that we will make a difference in the lives of the children we meet along the way, and that we are all better off because of it.
