A lot of people have asked us why we chose to become a foster family, and I haven't been able to find the words to explain it fully. I tell them that we have always wanted more children and we never intended for our son to be an only child. I also tell them that there are so many children out there who need safe and loving homes, and we are happy to open our home and our hearts to them. The deep down honest truth is so much more personal and painful.
I have always wanted children, at least two. I looked forward to being a mom and raising my little family, and always thought I would get pregnant right away and everything would work out just right. Sadly, that is not what happened. I had always had issues with my "cycle". It was abnormal to say the least and my doctors would brush it off as nothing and send me on my way, not wanting to spend the time listening to and addressing my concerns. So, I just went about my business thinking it was nothing.
I married relatively young- at 21- and figured we would get pregnant right away. It was easy, right? How long could it possibly take? The first month went by, then another, and another, and before I knew it we had been trying for over a year. I know people try for much longer, but I am not exactly what you would call patient, and I wanted a baby NOW, not years down the road. I had read that if you are actively trying to get pregnant for one year, and it doesn't happen, you are considered "infertile". That, paired with my medical history, took me right to a fertility specialist.
The specialist confirmed my fears and put me on Clomid. He produced what my husband refers to as the "Quiga Wheel" and told us we would be pregnant the next time he saw us. I was skeptical, but lo and behold I got pregnant my second month on Clomid. I couldn't believe it! I was finally going to be a mom and I could be more excited! After some complications (bleeding, hypertension, preeclampsia, etc.), our son was born in December 2002 at 37 weeks. I am so grateful to have him every day, and I know he is our miracle.
We planned to have more babies and figured I would just take Clomid again because it worked so well the first time. But we tried Clomid for a year and nothing happened. Clomid is rough on the hormones, and it was tough on everyone. It causes severe mood swings, hot flashes, nausea, headaches, dizziness, and does not make for a very pleasant wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend. After the failed attempts, we chose not to go another round and come to terms with not having more children of our own.
Attempting to accept your infertility is devastating. The hardest part is trying to cope with knowledge that you will never carry another baby, and it was not your decision. I tortured myself by watching "A Baby Story", "Bringing Home Baby", and any other show about babies. I would wander around Babies R Us, imagining how I would have decorated another nursery. I was envious of anyone who was having a baby, and I fell into a deep depression. I wondered why teenagers and people who don't even want kids get pregnant every day and I couldn't? Where is the justice in that? I felt like less of a woman because I could not become pregnant again, and give my son a sibling. Thinking about it still hurts, and to this day I struggle to accept that there will not be more babies that are the best parts of my husband and myself. I consider myself "broken".
We had considered adoption in the past, but the cost is/was out of our reach. Adoption costs anywhere from $25,000-$50,000. Where were we going to get that kind of money? Adoption was not the option for us.
So after eight years of heartbreak, we went away for Easter weekend with some friends, and friends of friends. It was an "off the grid" kind of weekend without TV, cellphones, and computers, and it was lovely. We made new friends and spent time talking to each other while our kids played in the pool. I happened to ask one of the other ladies what she did and she told me she worked for a fostering agency, and told me a little about fostering. There was also a little boy brought to our weekend getaway who had been abandoned by his mother. They had not heard from or seen her in months, and my heart broke for this little boy. How could someone abandon their child and just disappear? He stole my heart that weekend and led us to ultimately make the decision to become foster parents to the other children who needed love and protection- those who needed to experience what being part of a family is all about. We decided "fostering to adopt" was what we wanted to do.
Our journey began the following week. We signed up for our PS-MAPP classes (mandatory classes for potential foster parents), passed our background checks, were finger-printed, and began collecting everything we needed to foster. We first had to pick an age range and we choose newborn to three years old. We had to buy a convertible crib, dresser, changing table, car seats (infant and convertible), a highchair, stroller, bottles, and everything else necessary to take care of a child in our age range.
I'll admit I dragged my feet for awhile. The process went so quickly. Our classes started in May and ended in July, and by the time we had our home study and inspection completed, we could have had a placement by the beginning of September. My mind started to race and I was nervous. I started thinking of reasons why we couldn't do it right now: my job was not conducive for taking the time off necessary for appointments, our house wasn't clean enough (is a house ever? One that is lived in isn't), we needed more this or that, we had something to do this weekend, etc. It took a year and half to finally do it, but here we are, and we are just getting our feet wet.
It takes time and patience, and I still think about what it would be like to carry another baby of my own. But each child coming into my home, despite the amount of time they are here, is my child. I may not have carried them, but they are no less my babies. I care for them, I love them, and I will do my best to help them heal, just as they are helping me heal my heart and my spirit.
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