I Cannot Believe This Is Actually Happening!

So many things have happened since my last post but, due to confidentiality, I cannot write about them. It is frustrating to not be able to discuss with anyone what goes on, but that is the name of the game.

We did have another CFT today and, of course, the bio parents were a "no show".  However, it did give me a chance to discuss things with his CPS caseworker, and I have to say I walked away a much happier foster mommy.  I found out that the bio parents are not doing what they need to do, never mind missing more than half of their visits last month, and CPS is moving forward with severance and adoption.  In my last post I vented about how bio family trumps  foster foster, and that this would be the time for bio family to come out of the woodwork and we would have to say goodbye.  Well, I found out today that that is not always the case and, more specifically, not our case!

Because no one has stepped forward to take the baby in, CPS is moving forward with US(!!!!) to adopt him.  I cannot believe this is happening.  It has been a roller coaster ride all day and I cannot process this at all.  I have been trying to protect my heart for these last four months, so I have been reluctant to even truly consider adoption as an option, mainly because I was told that bio family is first on the list regardless.  We still have to be realistic and not get carried away because nothing is final until the ink dries, but I can finally see his adoption on the horizon and we are so close!  I cannot believe that this precious little boy could very soon be ours.  We can actually be his "forever family". 

I am a believer in "things happen for a reason", and I believe that we had been dragging our feet for a reason.  There is a reason that the process took as long as it did.  There is a reason that we were licensed when we were.  There was a reason our first foster children were only with us for five or ten days.  And there is a reason that this baby was placed with us, and I sincerely hope that reason is because he is meant to be our little boy.

So I ask for your prayers and positive thoughts.  I will also keep my fingers and toes crossed, and keep you updated on what happens.  Thank you!!

A Little Hope, But Not Too Much

Court went as well as I expected today.  The good news is we are a little closer to becoming his "forever family".  The bad news is that it's only a 50% chance- or less.  The closer we come to severance and adoption the more likely family will start coming out of the woodwork, and we will no longer be a contender.  I am slightly encouraged, but I am not holding my breath.

I don't understand how the state can come in and remove the child from the stable foster family they have come to know and love, and put them with "family".  This could be family they never even met, but because they are related they are the first choice!  If the family member wants the child so badly, then why aren't they there from the beginning?  Why don't they have visitation with the child so they can start forming a bond?  Why aren't they going to appointments and communicating with us to find out what he likes or dislikes, how he's doing, or atteending court appointments?  It is completely ridiculous if you ask me.  Do they think he is a puppy and are waiting for him to be "trained".  Are they waiting for all of the hard work to be done?  My guess would be yes. 

I am annoyed and angry with his bio parents.  They didn't even show up for court today, which is so unfortunate (fortunate??) for the baby.  Another strike against them, but it really hurts my heart to know that they don't care at all for the baby they consiously brought into this world.  I know he is too young to know the difference, but I can't help but be sad for him.  I know that he doesn't belong with them, but my God, this is your flesh and blood.  I just don't get it.  I could never abandon my child like that, or turn the other cheek.  I guess I will never understand those who can.

Aggravation seems to be the name of the game.  I am not one to keep my opinion to myself, and I find it increasingly difficult to hold my tongue.  I just want to lash out and shake them.  I worry about his future and all I can do is hope and pray for the best.  As I've said before, if we are not meant to be his family, fine.  But I really hope someone is watching out for this baby.  He deserves so much more than the hand he was dealt.

A Letter to the Bio Parents

Dear Bio Parents,

I don't even know where to begin.  When we started this nearly three months ago, I thought maybe you could do it, just maybe.  I know any addiction is a disease, but I had hope that you would turn it around.  I even thought I saw remorse in your eyes.  Apparently, I did not.  I should have listened to my gut.  My gut said, "Not gonna happen.  They'll put on a show for a little while, and then they will disappear."  I ignored my gut- shame on me. 

Please tell me how you can look into your baby's big brown eyes and not even try for his sake?  How can you not do right by this beautiful baby?  How can you cancel visits, or not even show up at all?  Why are we even going through the motions if you aren't even going to try?  The last time I checked, babies were not just dropped off on your doorstep, so you knew what you were doing and you had time to change your behaviors. But if carrying a precious life didn't make you change, then why would bringing this little miracle into the world make a difference.  Please don't tell me what a "miracle he is", or comment on his "rough start" again.  You are the reason for the "rough start"- try taking responsibility for that.  It would be a great first step.  And please stop speaking to me like I am a friend doing you a favor, because I'm not.

You can tell me you are his mom all you want, and that may be true.  But know this- I am his MOTHER.  I feed, and change, and dress, and play with, and rock him to sleep every day.  He looks into my eyes and smiles, because he only knows me as his mommy.  I thought about this long and hard, and I came to realize you have the perfect situation.  You have to buy one pack of diapers and a can of formula every three months.  You don't get up in the middle of the night, and you don't have to deal with any medical issues or constant crying.  You spend four to five blissful hours a week with him and then send him on his way. 

If, by some miracle, he goes back to you, we may all die a little inside.  What will happen to this precious baby when he is taken from the only home he knows?  I pray that you make one important "parenting" decision for him, and that is to do what is best for him- whatever that may be.  It may not mean he stays with us and we become his forever family, but as long as the outcome is the best for him, then so be it.

I want you to know that my heart aches and I cry for him.  I cry because of the rough start he had.  I cry because you don't make any effort.  I cry because I love him so very much, and I don't want anything or anyone to hurt him.  I am grateful he is so young, because he has no idea what is going on.

I also want you to know how much he is loved.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't hear "I love you".  He gets kisses and hugs, smiles and snuggles all day, every day.  Our friends and family have embraced him and love him almost as much as we do. 

I hope the end result is in his best interest.  He will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will always love this beautiful miracle.

Sincerely,

The Foster Mom

Why Foster?

A lot of people have asked us why we chose to become a foster family, and I haven't been able to find the words to explain it fully.  I tell them that we have always wanted more children and we never intended for our son to be an only child.  I also tell them that there are so many children out there who need safe and loving homes, and we are happy to open our home and our hearts to them.  The deep down honest truth is so much more personal and painful.

I have always wanted children, at least two.  I looked forward to being a mom and raising my little family, and always thought I would get pregnant right away and everything would work out just right.  Sadly, that is not what happened.  I had always had issues with my "cycle".  It was abnormal to say the least and my doctors would brush it off as nothing and send me on my way, not wanting to spend the time listening to and addressing my concerns.  So, I just went about my business thinking it was nothing.

I married relatively young- at 21- and figured we would get pregnant right away.  It was easy, right?  How long could it possibly take?  The first month went by, then another, and another, and before I knew it we had been trying for over a year.  I know people try for much longer, but I am not exactly what you would call patient, and I wanted a baby NOW, not years down the road.  I had read that if you are actively trying to get pregnant for one year, and it doesn't happen, you are considered "infertile".  That, paired with my medical history, took me right to a fertility specialist.

The specialist confirmed my fears and put me on Clomid.  He produced what my husband refers to as the "Quiga Wheel" and told us we would be pregnant the next time he saw us.  I was skeptical, but lo and behold I got pregnant my second month on Clomid.  I couldn't believe it!  I was finally going to be a mom and I could be more excited!  After some complications (bleeding, hypertension, preeclampsia, etc.), our son was born in December 2002 at 37 weeks.  I am so grateful to have him every day, and I know he is our miracle.

We planned to have more babies and figured I would just take Clomid again because it worked so well the first time.  But we tried Clomid for a year and nothing happened.  Clomid is rough on the hormones, and it was tough on everyone.  It causes severe mood swings, hot flashes, nausea, headaches, dizziness, and does not make for a very pleasant wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend.  After the failed attempts, we chose not to go another round and come to terms with not having more children of our own.

Attempting to accept your infertility is devastating.  The hardest part is trying to cope with knowledge that you will never carry another baby, and it was not your decision.  I tortured myself by watching "A Baby Story", "Bringing Home Baby", and any other show about babies.  I would wander around Babies R Us, imagining how I would have decorated another nursery.  I was envious of anyone who was having a baby, and I fell into a deep depression.  I wondered why teenagers and  people who don't even want kids get pregnant every day and I couldn't?  Where is the justice in that? I felt like less of a woman because I could not become pregnant again, and give my son a sibling.  Thinking about it still hurts, and to this day I struggle to accept that there will not be more babies that are the best parts of my husband and myself.  I consider myself "broken".

We had considered adoption in the past, but the cost is/was out of our reach.  Adoption costs anywhere from $25,000-$50,000.  Where were we going to get that kind of money?  Adoption was not the option for us.

So after eight years of heartbreak, we went away for Easter weekend with some friends, and friends of friends.  It was an "off the grid" kind of weekend without TV, cellphones, and computers, and it was lovely.  We made new friends and spent time talking to each other while our kids played in the pool.  I happened to ask one of the other ladies what she did and she told me she worked for a fostering agency, and told me a little about fostering.  There was also a little boy brought to our weekend getaway who had been abandoned by his mother.  They had not heard from or seen her in months, and my heart broke for this little boy.  How could someone abandon their child and just disappear?  He stole my heart that weekend and led us to ultimately make the decision to become foster parents to the other children who needed love and protection- those who needed to experience what being part of a family is all about.  We decided "fostering to adopt" was what we wanted to do.

Our journey began the following week.  We signed up for our PS-MAPP classes (mandatory classes for potential foster parents), passed our background checks, were finger-printed, and began collecting everything we needed to foster.  We first had to pick an age range and we choose newborn to three years old.  We had to buy a convertible crib, dresser, changing table, car seats (infant and convertible), a highchair, stroller, bottles, and everything else necessary to take care of a child in our age range. 

I'll admit I dragged my feet for awhile.  The process went so quickly.  Our classes started in May and ended in July, and by the time we had our home study and inspection completed, we could have had a placement by the beginning of September.  My mind started to race and I was nervous.  I started thinking of reasons why we couldn't do it right now: my job was not conducive for taking the time off necessary for appointments, our house wasn't clean enough (is a house ever?  One that is lived in isn't), we needed more this or that, we had something to do this weekend, etc.  It took a year and half to finally do it, but here we are, and we are just getting our feet wet.

It takes time and patience, and I still think about what it would be like to carry another baby of my own.  But each child coming into my home, despite the amount of time they are here, is my child.  I may not have carried them, but they are no less my babies.  I care for them, I love them, and I will do my best to help them heal, just as they are helping me heal my heart and my spirit.

Waiting, and Waiting, and Waiting

Here we are again, putting our lives on hold. I am really trying to be accommodating, but I don't appreciate having to change my plans at the last minute.  The baby is supposed to have a supervised visit on Wednesdays with his parents, but one of them has started a new job and may not be able to make it.  There was a request to change the visits to the weekend, but that doesn't really work for us.  I know how that sounds, but I am not a glorified babysitter/nanny and I am not willing to change the visit day.  I don't mind one weekend a month, but not every weekend. 

I spoke with the grandmother early this afternoon, and she said she had not heard from the parents yet. That seems to be the pattern here.  The parents don't call CPS back, they don't call the grandmother back, the don't call the behavioral people back, and they don't respond to emails in a timely fashion.  Really?  How badly do you want to get your baby back?  Let us be grown ups and take some responsibility, please.

So, here I am waiting for the confirmation phone call.  Do we have an appointment tomorrow or not?  Are we rescheduling?  I did make plans for myself tomorrow so I had something to do during the two and a half hour visit, but I guess that isn't going to happen.  Considering I spend 24/7 with the baby, I would love some "Me Time".  Even if that means finding a park and reading a book, getting a cup of coffee, or going to get a massage, I still would like to take some time out for myself.

I am wondering at what point I get to cancel the appointment without looking like the bad guy.  I suppose it is past time to set some ground rules, but clearly we need to.  Since we are still new at this I am not quite sure what to do, but I would guess a call to the CPS caseworker is in order.  I can't imagine CPS expects the foster parents to put everything on hold and be at the mercy of the bio parents.  After all, I'm not the one trying to prove I should get my baby back.

I'm still not sure how to process these feelings and have found out that our foster agency is now offering a support group.  I can't tell you how excited I am about this.  I can't wait to meet other foster parents and learn how they deal with different situations and their emotions.  I can't wait to hear their stories and network.  I am hoping we meet another family that lives near us.  That would be great!

Excuse Me, What Comes Next?

I am very much a scheduled person.  I make lists, I keep a calendar, I have appointments, and that is the way I have always been.  I like to know how things work and what the process is, and how long it should take to get something done.  When do I need to be there and what do I need to bring with me?

However, becoming a foster parent has shot all of that to hell.  There is a lot of "sit around and wait", which drives me nuts, and means I need to be prepared for anything.  I wish there was a flow chart available that just laid out how all of this is supposed to work, because trust me, there is a different answer from each person you ask. 

I did find out today that a new caseworker has been assigned and we have an appointment to meet this week.  I also found out that a "Parent Aide" will be assigned to us, which is great because the new caseworker is located over an hour away and the Parent Aide will have to do all of the transporting for the weekly visit with the family.  Not only will that save me a lot of gas money (and maybe a tank of gas will last more than three days), but that also means I get some "Me Time".  "Me Time" will be spent scrubbing toilets, washing floors, vacuuming, dusting, and taking care of all of the other things I don't get done during the week.  I may actually get to go to the grocery store by myself.  Who's jealous?

I have come to find that I enjoy being a foster parent, especially for this baby.  Everything is so new for him and I love sharing that with him.  I remember when Cameron was little and I loved to see look of wonderment in his eyes, and introducing him to new things.  I truly miss that.  Cameron doesn't need me like he used to, and that hurts a little.  But it also means I can dedicate more time to the children in foster care who come into our home, and that is important. 

So, I will just have to adjust to the unpredictable and see where this journey takes us!

Every Child Deserves a Chance

Deciding to become a foster family took about 30 seconds.  Completing the process on the other hand, took a year and a half.  I began questioning my own abilities and wondering how I was going to cope with falling head over heels in love with our foster children and then have them returned to the homes they were removed from.  I asked myself time and again, "What are you thinking?" and "How are you going to do this?".  I really went back and forth wondering if this was the right thing to do and what would the impact be on our little family.

And then I started to look inside myself, and I knew providing a loving home to a child in foster care was absolutely the right thing to do.  I know my family is strong enough to embrace these babies, love them and help them heal, and eventually let go.  It hurts my heart when they leave because, while they are in our home for just a little bit, they are my children.  Each one deserve the chance to know what love is, what it means to be part of a family, and to know what it feels like to be safe. 

Our first foster child came to us just before Christmas.  She was bright, friendly, and had quite the attitude for a three year old.  She mainly spoke Spanish, so communicating was a challenge.  I speak enough Spanish to ask yes/no questions, but there was no way to carry on a conversation.  She was with us for five days, including through Christmas. 

We didn't have another child placed with us for about three weeks.  The next one was adorable.  She was not quite two, and she was very much behind developmentally.  She didn't speak at all, and would only whine and cry.  Again, difficult to communicate, but by the time she left she could say a few words and would try to speak.  She was only here ten days, but in those ten days we fell in love. 

The day she went home was heartbreaking.  A dark cloud seemed to settle on our home and we were all depressed to a certain degree.  Our son was devestated, my husband was sad, and I was not sure how to process what I was feeling.  I had spent the last ten days with her 24/7.  We had a routine, and now what am I supposed to do? Over the next few days I spent a lot of time on Pinterest not looking for anything in particular.  And then I ran across what I believe should be the motto for foster parents everywhere.  It read, "If you are brave enough for the goodbyes, life will reward you with another hello", and I thought that was a perfect way to look at this whole fostering business.

The very next day I changed my attitude.  I got up, took Cameron to school, cleaned the house, and took care of business.  At 11:30am I received a phone call from the CPS office asking if I could take a newborn.  He was just over a week old and needed placement.  I told them I could and we made arrangements to pick him up.  I was so nervous when I picked him up that my hands were shaking.  It had been over ten years since I had an infant to care for and I was more than a little panicked.  You really forget how tiny they are, but it all started coming back and within 24 hours the nervousness had disappeared.

He has been with us for about a month, and although his is not my story to tell, I will share my own thoughts and feelings.  I've been through the disbelief (how could they do this?), anger (how dare they do this), anomosity (when you realize you are going through the hardest part and he will be returned home after he is sleeping through the night), despair (at 2am when he is screaming and crying, and nothing you do seems to help), defeat (when he is still screaming and crying for no apparent reason), and the acceptance (you knew it might be like this).  I think we are over the hump now and it can only get better (here's to hoping, anyway!).

I met his parents today in what CPS refers to as the "Ice Breaker", where you sit down and share a few things with the bio family (also a CPS term).  We discussed any allergies the baby may have, habits, things to look for, etc.  I honestly wanted to dislike them.  After all, they made very poor decisions that affected this innocent baby and should never get him back.  He's better off with us, the only family he has really had for the first month of his life.  What in the world would I have to say to them, and how could I say it without thinking they were the lowest of life forms.  And then we met, and I saw the remorse in their eyes and the realization of what happened.  They actually thanked us for taking him in and giving him the love and care he needs. 

Is all forgiven?  Of course not, but the whole purpose of foster care is for reunification and I have to do my part to make sure the best interest of the child is met.  We have to work together to repair this family, and a child can never have too many people to love them.  I'm not saying this will be easy, and I will die a little inside if he is returned to his parents, but I also want what is best.  Whether it is staying with us and we become his permanent family, he goes home to his parents, or another family member adopts him, I have to believe it will be the best outcome for him.

I hope you follow our journey through the foster care system, as we can use all the support we can get.  This isn't the easiest road to take, but I have to believe that we will make a difference in the lives of the children we meet along the way, and that we are all better off because of it.