Mixed Emotions

I really debated about writing this post because the content is mostly embarrassing and unpleasant, but I started this blog to express my feelings and share our experience with foster care. This has basically been a craptastic week.  It started with the usual- little man being difficult and unruly- and just got worse from there.  Brace yourself.

Thursday started like any other difficult and exhausting day.  Every moment from when little man gets up and until he goes to bed is a challenge, but this day was one for the books.  He had a well-check with the pediatrician on Thursday, which should have been fine, but it quickly turned into hell for me.  I still don't know what the hell happened, but he had one of his "episodes".  He started screaming, crying, thrashing, arching, bucking, you name it.  I tried to calm him down by holding him, putting my arm around him, talking to him, etc., but he would have nothing to do with it.  Nothing I did made a difference and he would just push me away.  It went on for about 10-15 minutes before I thought to record what was going on, and boy am I glad I did.  We even had a medical assistant come in to check on him and ask if he was okay.  I explained that he was fine and that I deal with this every day.

Finally the doctor came in, but with little man's crying, screaming, and whatever, I couldn't hear anything she had to say.  She asked a medical assistant to take him out of the room to calm down, and that is when the flood gates opened.  I think everything I had been holding inside for the last six weeks just bubbled to the surface and there was no stopping it.  I cried, I sobbed, and I broke down.  I just couldn't stop myself.  I told her about all of his behaviors (behaviors I had been telling his caseworker about and suggesting he receive services): what he was doing to the other baby, what he does to Cam, and what he does to me.  He has a mean streak, and he is just awful to the other kids.  But I've discussed this before.

I think she may have been slightly horrified by the situation and, after witnessing what had just occurred, felt that the time had come for little man to be placed elsewhere- which is what I have been saying since the beginning.  She stepped out of the room to have her staff start calling the caseworker and got the ball rolling.  Thank God!  I had been trying to contact his caseworker for a week, and I couldn't get through.  She didn't even return my email just asking about visits this week.  It's is a sad situation when your pediatrician asks if you are okay taking him home.  In a way I am grateful for his meltdown.  At least someone else could see and experience what I have been talking about.  He is always so good for other people, but when it comes to me he is awful.  He has some serious anger and behavioral issues that really need to be addressed.

I had mixed emotions after our appointment.  I think the most prominent was shame.  I feel like I have let this baby down by not being able to provide what he needs, and I felt like I had given up on him.  I have done everything in my power to help him, show him that he is loved, and meet his needs.  I held on because he was supposed to be leaving soon, but each week the date was pushed out even farther.  He was only supposed to be with us for two weeks, and then a month, and here we are six weeks in with no end in sight.  How much longer are we supposed to deal with this without any assistance or support from his caseworker?  I spend 24/7 with this child and I recognize that he needs therapy, so don't tell me that he has been assessed and is fine.  That is absurd!  Did you make that decision in the 2-3 hours you have spent with him since he has been in care, Caseworker?  I understand that they are swamped and overloaded, but when a foster family is in crisis, you need to act.

As if Thursday wasn't bad enough, Friday was much, much worse.  I fully expected someone to come pick him up on Friday, so I was not surprised to find someone from CPS at my door.  However, I was surprised to find out that they were not here to get the little guy, but to investigate me for CHILD ABUSE!  Are you f-ing kidding me????  I was in disbelief, dumbfounded, and completely sick to my stomach.  How can this be happening to me?

They cannot tell me who made the allegation, but I can only assume it was a neighbor who has witnessed what the little guy does, without seeing the full picture.  I was accused of lifting him by his arm and being "overly rough" with him.  What they probably didn't see was his tantrum and falling to the ground while I was holding his hand.  What am I supposed to do?  Let go of him and let him crack his head open instead?  Keep in mind that not only am I trying to walk him out to the car, but I also have another baby in an infant car seat.  The last time I checked I only had two arms. 

Anyway, the investigation lasted about 30 minutes and I had to get both kids up from a nap so the investigator could undress them and look for bruises.  Of course there weren't any bruises or signs of abuse because THEY ARE NOT ABUSED!  Luckily for me the investigator said the allegations are unsubstantiated, meaning she did not find anything.  I really don't need this crap.  I started foster care to help these kids, not have CPS in my home, nitpicking everything I do.  I have a biological child who is my top priority and an infant that I am in the process of adopting and the last thing I need is for them to suspect I would do something like that and remove all children from my home, including Cam. 

Needless to say I was extremely pissed, so much so that I think my blood was actually boiling.  I wanted to send all of my neighbors a letter telling them to f-off, and include a video of what occurred at the doctor's office the previous day.  Maybe put the video on a loop in my front yard inviting anyone who felt they could deal with him better to come on over, help themselves and see how well it went for them.  I have never in my life thought that I would be in such a situation.  I did, however, call little man's caseworker, and her supervisor, and demanded that he be removed immediately.  I will not tolerate having his behavior misconstrued as abuse and having allegations made against me.  Funny- she returned that phone call within the hour.

Once I cooled down, I realized that whoever made the allegation was just doing what they felt was right, and while I am pissed that it happened to me, there are too many people who witness abuse and turn the other cheek.  I have to assume that I would have done the same thing if I saw something.  It really is an obligation to these children, because so many are abused and no one does or says anything.

So, little man is leaving on Monday and I have a sense of relief.  I am relieved because he puts the other kids at risk, especially the baby, and our home will once again be calm- at least until the next placement.  Relief because I won't dread getting up in the morning to deal with him and count to minutes until bedtime.  Relief because I live like a battered woman, trying not to upset the apple cart and enrage him, trying not to go past the point of no return.

But with that relief comes a little bit of sadness.  I do love him, and even though he had been nothing short of a nightmare most days, he has found a place in my heart.  I truly believe that he wants to show that he loves you, but he just isn't capable- he hasn't been taught how.  Sad because who knows what the future holds form him?  I really do hope that he is placed with a family who can deal with special needs children, because that's what he is.  He needs one-on-one attention, and someone with bucket loads of patience, and that someone isn't me.  I am hoping he will receive the services he needs because the pediatrician got involved, and that he learns to love and accept being loved. 

So, Little Man, we say good-bye to you and wish you the best.  You will always hold a special place in my heart and I really do hope that the future is good to you.

Looking For the Light At the End of the Tunnel

I am not really sure how much more of this I can take.  Every single day is a challenge, and it hasn't gotten easier.  I have so much guilt for what I am feeling, and I just feel awful about myself.  I dread getting out of bed in the morning, and I have to give myself pep talks throughout the day just to make it to bedtime.  I just want to scream!  It just isn't fair to my family to make them continue to deal with this child.

The fact that he is a baby is not lost on me, and I know that this is not his fault.  BUT, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.  He was supposed to only be here for a couple of weeks, and then a month, now who knows.  I can't get ahold of anyone who can tell me anything and I am beyond frustrated.  I just want an estimated time of departure so I have something to look forward to.

I think the thing that concerns me the most about this little guy is how easily he can turn it on and off.  When he is with anyone else he is a perfect angel, but the moment he is alone with us, BAM!  I swear he sprouts horns and a tail.  It is ridiculous.  I have tried so many different things, but nothing is working.  I have even tried to give him one-on-one time, but he is not interested in me unless one of the other kids are around and requiring my attention.

He also seems to have some extreme jealousy issues.  He is constantly in trouble for hitting, laying on, scratching, etc. the other baby.  This morning I had them both ready to walk out the door, turned around to grab my purse and keys, and there he was with both hands on top of the other baby's head (the other baby was strapped into his car seat) and he was PUSHING the baby's head down as hard as he could.  What the hell?  What am I supposed to do about that?  I can't spank him, slap his hand, or anything else.  I can only use Time Out.  Effective, right?

On a brighter note, the other baby is doing well, in spite of the tyrant.  I cannot believe how big he is getting, or how fast time has flown right by.  He has been in our care for over seven months now, and I can't imagine him not being here anymore.  We have a Severance Hearing next week and I am eager to get the ball rolling for adoption.  We are so close, but I am still cautious.  And the closer we get, the more my nerves are shot.  I just make myself sick thinking about everything that can happen, good or bad.  I have nightmares that he is being taken away and I wake up panicked.  Can we be done already?

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I cannot wait until I can introduce my little guy to everyone! 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It is amazing how one two-hour visit can derail all progress that has been made thus far.  The little guy has been coming around and seemed to be adjusting better.  He even said "Up" yesterday when he wanted to get in his highchair for lunch.  He has been throwing fewer fits, and knows when he is doing something he shouldn't and has started redirecting himself.   He still has moments, but it was getting better.

Today he had a visit with family, and it seems that all progress has been lost.  At first he was happy and smiley, playing- and then it all turned around.  I think it was a matter of thirty minutes before it started going down hill.  He started arching and throwing himself to the floor, screaming and crying, throwing things, and hitting.  I am hoping that he is just tired and it has been a long day, but I am discouraged.  I honestly don't think I can start all over again.  It's depressing really. 

Ugh!

Adjusting to the new little guy has been nothing short of a challenge.  Being the baby of a lot(!) of kids, he hasn't had much, if any, discipline.  I thought he had some developmental delays, but then I realized that he was blatantly ignoring me.  Isn't 14 months a little young to completely tune someone out?  He doesn't respond to anything, including his name, and will stare blankly off into space.  Completely frustrating.

Temper tantrums are the name of the game with this one.  He doesn't speak (only uses four words), so instead of trying to communicate he will whine and literally throw himself into things.  He throws himself into the crib railing, the tile floor, walls, furniture, and he just barely missed the brick fireplace the other day.  It is so aggravating that he is over a year old and doesn't talk.  He should at least be able to say milk, ball, or down, instead of a grunt, a whine, and a complete freak out.  I am trying to work with him but he is not interested, and when I try he throws a fit.  Awesome.

Bedtime and nap time are ridiculous.  It turns out that he was NEVER put to bed alone.  He would always sleep with someone else, meaning he did not have a set nap time or bedtime.  He goes to bed crying and screaming, wakes up throughout the night, and wakes up crying in the morning.  Thank God the other baby is so mellow- he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

There has been a little bit of a decrease in the amount of tantrums thrown.  I think he may be beginning to realize that I don't tolerate this behavior.  You can throw your fit- in the Pack N Play (to avoid injury), but I will not engage.  I will tell you no, and I don't give in to tiny tyrant tantrums or demands.  We'll get there eventually, and then he will go to another placement and I will get to start all over again with the next placement.  Tis the life of a foster family.

I do my best to give them the love and attention they require and meet their needs.  Some days are harder than others, and I pray for bedtime. And other days I question what I am doing and want to bang my head into the wall.  I am so grateful that I have fantastic friends who are more than willing to help me out, whether at their home or mine.  This would be so much harder if it weren't for you.

Being a foster parent is rewarding, but it is also more difficult than I thought it would be.  You cannot discipline foster kids like you would your own.  The only form of acceptable discipline is time out, and we all know that doesn't work on some kids- especially ones who lack any kind of discipline.  Sure, let me get this one-year-old to sit in the same spot, quietly, for 60 seconds.  There is also the last minute visits, dealing with manipulative parents, and always waiting for information.

I wake up every day hoping that today will be better.  We will bond a little more, work on communicating, play together, and hopefully have at least one less tantrum.  Here's to another day of opportunity!

Our New Little Guy

Our foster license was successfully amended over a week ago.  We can now have two foster children at one time, and I have to wonder what I was thinking.  CPS wasted little time in placing another baby with us, this time a 14-month-old boy.  Let's just say that the 6-month-old has spoiled me.

The new little guy came with zero information and epic temper tantrums.  To say the last eight days have been a challenge would be an understatement, and I have been pushed to my limit.  Thanks to wonderful friends who have stepped in to give me a break, we have made it through the first week (mostly) intact.  I have had to take a step back, breath deeply, and remember that this baby is the way he is due to his circumstances.  It is evident that no one worked with him, so he doesn't talk much (he only says two words- "Mom" and "Don't"), he doesn't seem to comprehend questions or understand much of what is going on around him, and he throws the worst temper tantrums I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with- he goes completely limp and will just drop to the floor.  Bedtime and nap time are a bit of a nightmare because he literally throws himself into the crib railing.  I wish there was something more I could do for him, but my only option is to let him be (in his contained environment- per the pediatrician), and hope that he starts to understand that fits don't get you what you want.  I can confidently say that I doubt he had set nap times or bedtimes, was given bottles to keep him quiet, and he really had to compete for attention.  I have a lot of work ahead of me!

I may get frustrated, and cry, but in the end I just hope that we make a difference for him.  My days are difficult, and I may vent my frustrations, but this baby needs me just like the other one does.  Unfortunately, he will probably be moved to his permanent home once we get a routine down, and then it will start all over again with the next one. 

Hurdle #1- Cleared!

Today has been a very eventful day, to say the least.  We now have a case number for our adoption certification, we received information from licensing to increase the number foster kids we can have to two, and we had court this afternoon to change the baby's case plan. 

After a small delay due to scheduling conflicts (because the courts schedule three hearings for the same time...) and the tardiness of an attorney, the case plan has been changed to severance and adoption.  So, YAY!  We cleared the first hurdle and we couldn't be happier.  We now have a severance hearing scheduled at the beginning of September, and we will see where it goes from there.  We still have a 90% chance of becoming his forever family, and we are so excited!  As I have said before, I truly believe he was meant to be ours. 

Being a foster parent is so emotionally draining.  I feel like I am on pins and needles most of the time, and the waiting drives me nuts.  There are days when I wonder if I am doing the right thing, and wonder if I really am cut out for this.  I go through some days just dreading what it would be like if CPS decided the baby should be somewhere else or with his bio family.  I lose sleep over it, I cry over it, and it makes me sad some days.   The closer we get to the severance and the adoption, I'm sure I will be a nervous and emotional wreck- just like I was today and have been for the last six months. But then I look at this miracle baby and I know that we are doing the right thing, we are cut out for this, and we are making a huge difference in this child's life.  I know that we have given this baby a chance he may not have otherwise had.  I read to him, I play with him, I talk to him, and I take care of every need he has.  In our hearts, he is ours and he is right where he needs to be. 

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  They are greatly appreciated!  I cannot wait until this is all over and done so we can legally call him ours.

The Waiting Game

I never expected to do so much waiting.  It is difficult to get clear answers to my many questions because each question can have multiple outcomes.  The waiting is driving me crazy!

On the bright side, we have a 90% chance of being the baby's forever family and I am so excited!  On the flip side, there is still a 10% chance that he won't be ours, so I am trying really hard to stay grounded.  I don't think I can stand the heartache if they take him away.  In our minds, and hearts, he is already ours.  He belongs with us, and there is no doubt in my mind that this is my child.

A  few weeks ago I received an email from his mom stating that she wanted to sign him over to us.  She knew in her heart that she cannot take care of him and that she knew he was where he belongs, and she was going to contact her attorney to proceed.  That was three weeks ago, and I have yet to hear anything.  It looks like we will have to wait until court at the end of the month to find out what is going on.  It is so frustrating and my nerves are shot.  I really want to have him stay and be ours, but I can't fully let myself go there yet.