I have been so frustrated lately about adoption and foster care. The whole process is emotionally and mentally draining, and at this point I'm not sure I want to continue with foster care.
The baby's adoption is still in the works because our certification packet has been on the Commissioner's desk for over three months. Our adoption hearing has been set for April 30th, but the baby's caseworker has requested an expedited hearing. That's great, but without a certification we can't do anything. Can we get a move on already? I have mentioned to the caseworker that the longer we have to wait, the more anxious I become. She has assured me that everything is still moving forward, an we have her and the baby's attorney on our side. Again, great but nothing is official until the judge signs the adoption documents. I can't believe we have another four months of waiting. Why? Because that's our luck, I guess.
I am struggling with deciding whether or not to continue fostering because the last three months have been nothing short of aggravating, humiliating, and depressing. We have renewed our foster license, after waiting two long months for an unsubstantiated closure letter. In the course of our renewal, we have been licensed for only one foster child at a time, after we just had an amendment done in July for two. The reason/excuse I got was OLCR (licensing) wanted to wait until Little Man had been out of our home for 90 days. Really? By the time our license was renewed the 90 days had already passed. I'm thinking someone dropped the ball when filling out the renewal paperwork and is trying to cover their tracks.
Honestly, the longer this goes on, and the longer I am punished for something I had no control over, the less likely I am to take on another child. We have changed our age range from Newborn to 3-years-old, to Newborn to 12 months old. I have been told repeatedly that because I am a stay-at-home-mom that I would most likely get the substance-exposed newborns, which I am fine with. Been there, done that, made it through to the other side. I just continue to go back and forth between shutting it down after the baby's adoption, or giving it another go. Hopefully we will pick a direction to go soon. Perhaps after the holidays we will pick a path and carry on.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Never Ending
I am still haunted by the child abuse allegation, and I am at my wits end! I called the investigations office today to check on the status of my closure letter, only to find out that the investigator no longer works for the agency and she did not give all of her notes to her supervisor before she left. This means that our report has been sitting on someone's desk for at least two weeks.
Luckily for me I am extremely impatient when it comes to getting answers and I called the supervisor instead of leaving a message. She happened to be in the office and was able to interview me over the phone, and she promised to finish our report this week. So, hopefully we will have our closure letter no later than Friday and we can finally move on.
In the course of our interview she read the full allegation report to me and I am floored. I am angry, I am hurt, and I feel so helpless. The allegation was much worse than I thought it was, and the allegation also implied that I treated Little Man differently because he was Hispanic. Laughable, but very hurtful. I will not go into details, but everything in the report is false. I have a feeling this medical assistant may be a "serial reporter" because of some of the terminology used in the report.
I did try to speak to my doctor about this yesterday because the baby had a well-check appointment, and I have to be honest: I was not at all pleased with her response. I understand that those in the medical profession are obligated to report abuse, but I would have to question why this medical assistant would not mention her concerns to the doctor and instead made a beeline for the CPS Hotline. Interesting to say the least.
What really burns me is that I can do nothing about it. She can disrupt our life for two months, risk having my children removed from my home, interrupt the baby's adoption, and I have zero recourse. You can say anything about anyone, but that person can't stand up for themselves? Unbelievable.
I am currently researching other pediatricians. I cannot continue to take my children somewhere that makes me uncomfortable or puts my kids at risk. We have been going there for over 10 years, and I hate to move, but I just can't go back. I am frustrated, hurt, angry, and I feel completely helpless.
I really need to put this all behind us very, very soon.
Luckily for me I am extremely impatient when it comes to getting answers and I called the supervisor instead of leaving a message. She happened to be in the office and was able to interview me over the phone, and she promised to finish our report this week. So, hopefully we will have our closure letter no later than Friday and we can finally move on.
In the course of our interview she read the full allegation report to me and I am floored. I am angry, I am hurt, and I feel so helpless. The allegation was much worse than I thought it was, and the allegation also implied that I treated Little Man differently because he was Hispanic. Laughable, but very hurtful. I will not go into details, but everything in the report is false. I have a feeling this medical assistant may be a "serial reporter" because of some of the terminology used in the report.
I did try to speak to my doctor about this yesterday because the baby had a well-check appointment, and I have to be honest: I was not at all pleased with her response. I understand that those in the medical profession are obligated to report abuse, but I would have to question why this medical assistant would not mention her concerns to the doctor and instead made a beeline for the CPS Hotline. Interesting to say the least.
What really burns me is that I can do nothing about it. She can disrupt our life for two months, risk having my children removed from my home, interrupt the baby's adoption, and I have zero recourse. You can say anything about anyone, but that person can't stand up for themselves? Unbelievable.
I am currently researching other pediatricians. I cannot continue to take my children somewhere that makes me uncomfortable or puts my kids at risk. We have been going there for over 10 years, and I hate to move, but I just can't go back. I am frustrated, hurt, angry, and I feel completely helpless.
I really need to put this all behind us very, very soon.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Feels Like I'm Just Standing Still
The baby is legally free and ready for adoption!!! I can't believe it! I am so excited! And I am so ready to make it official! I cannot wait to finally change his name and show him off to the world! It feels like it has taken forever to get to this point, and then I realize it has only been nine months since we started our journey with him. The only hiccup we have had is the bogus child abuse allegation, which has set us back at least 45 days, and also means his adoption will not be complete by National Adoption Day on November 23rd. I am really shooting for the end of the year, but before Christmas would be even better!
We have been haunted by this child abuse allegation for what seems like forever! To date, I have not received the Closure Letter which I need not only to renew our Foster License, but to finish our Adoption Certification. CPS has 45 days to complete the report and mail it to me, and they have used every single one of those 45 days. Technically, yesterday was the 45th day, and I am really hoping I have the letter in my mailbox today or tomorrow. I really want this letter in my hand because the baby has a 9-month well check on Monday with his pediatrician, and you can bet we will be having a conversation about this allegation and how it came from her office. The more I think about the turmoil this medical assistant has caused my family, the angrier I get. Whether or not I continue to take my kids to this pediatrician's office depends on her reaction to what I have to say.
Our Foster License renewal is coming up, and Joe and I have decided that we will continue to foster. We did, however, change our age range from 0-3 years to 0-12 months. And I mean months, not 12 months plus. We have also decided that once our Adoption Certification, and the baby's adoption, is complete we will go on the Adoption Registry and adopt a child in foster care who is already "legally free"- meaning no bio parents, no visits, no long term back-and-forth, and NO MORE LAZY CASEWORKERS. We will be matched with a child, have a period of getting to know each other and making sure it is a fit, and moving forward. If the match doesn't fit, we walk away and will be matched with another child in need of a home.
We have also determined that we (I) am not made for little girls, so we also changed our license to reflect boys only. I can't take it. I've tried, but the drama, the whining, the drama, the attitudes, the drama! I also don't have an extra bedroom for a little girl, so maybe that should be my excuse instead. ***Disclaimer: I love all of my nieces to pieces, but I have a lot of respect for my sisters and sisters-in-law. I don't know how you do it. I will take dirt, trains, noise, etc. any day! Plus, boys love their mamas :)
Here's to hoping we have a Closure Letter in hand soon and we can get on with this adoption already!
We have been haunted by this child abuse allegation for what seems like forever! To date, I have not received the Closure Letter which I need not only to renew our Foster License, but to finish our Adoption Certification. CPS has 45 days to complete the report and mail it to me, and they have used every single one of those 45 days. Technically, yesterday was the 45th day, and I am really hoping I have the letter in my mailbox today or tomorrow. I really want this letter in my hand because the baby has a 9-month well check on Monday with his pediatrician, and you can bet we will be having a conversation about this allegation and how it came from her office. The more I think about the turmoil this medical assistant has caused my family, the angrier I get. Whether or not I continue to take my kids to this pediatrician's office depends on her reaction to what I have to say.
Our Foster License renewal is coming up, and Joe and I have decided that we will continue to foster. We did, however, change our age range from 0-3 years to 0-12 months. And I mean months, not 12 months plus. We have also decided that once our Adoption Certification, and the baby's adoption, is complete we will go on the Adoption Registry and adopt a child in foster care who is already "legally free"- meaning no bio parents, no visits, no long term back-and-forth, and NO MORE LAZY CASEWORKERS. We will be matched with a child, have a period of getting to know each other and making sure it is a fit, and moving forward. If the match doesn't fit, we walk away and will be matched with another child in need of a home.
We have also determined that we (I) am not made for little girls, so we also changed our license to reflect boys only. I can't take it. I've tried, but the drama, the whining, the drama, the attitudes, the drama! I also don't have an extra bedroom for a little girl, so maybe that should be my excuse instead. ***Disclaimer: I love all of my nieces to pieces, but I have a lot of respect for my sisters and sisters-in-law. I don't know how you do it. I will take dirt, trains, noise, etc. any day! Plus, boys love their mamas :)
Here's to hoping we have a Closure Letter in hand soon and we can get on with this adoption already!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Decisions to be Made
It has been a week since we took Little Man back to his caseworker, and our home has been so quiet and peaceful. Everyone is just so much happier. The last 7-10 days have really had me on edge and re-thinking our decision to continue fostering. I think I am looking for direction, or a sign, or something to help me decide what I really want to do.
Just when I thought the CPS investigation was over, I got another phone call from the investigator. She needed to speak to Joe and Cam so she could finish her report and get everything cleared up. Really? I mean I get it, but DAMN! Please leave me alone. I didn't do anything wrong and I want to put this all behind me. I am mortified, and extremely hurt, that someone would even think that I would abuse anyone. Can I please just turn the page and finish this chapter? I am so over it.
The investigator came out again last Thursday after speaking to Joe earlier in the week. Cam was very honest and open, answered all of her questions. I asked him later what she asked him and he said she asked him about Little Man. He told me that he "had plenty of feedback on that". He is so my son, and I love it.
During this time we chose to not go back on the placement list, and I have to be honest and admit that I have enjoyed to peace and quiet. Sadly, and I hate to admit this, I don't miss Little Man. I wish him the best and I really do hope that her receives what he needs, but I just don't miss the chaos, the tantrums, and the discord in our home. There, I said it.
While we chose to not go on the list for the last week, I was informed by my agency today that we will not go back on the placement list for a little bit. I wasn't exactly given a time frame, but the excuse/reason I was given was "so our family could take a break and the adding another child would not cause us too much stress". I am not exactly sure how to take that, but I really feel like I am being punished for something that I had no control over. I did everything I was supposed to do and I still got the short end of the stick. My attitude about going back on the placement list was basically to pick up and carry on. I felt that if we waited any longer, we would change our minds and not take anymore kids Of course my fear is having another child like Little Man placed with us so soon, but that is a chance we would have to take.
Now, however, I am kind of pissed off. Again, I did nothing wrong- I will not waiver from that statement. I tried to contact the caseworker, I contacted our licensing agent, I requested daycare (I was denied), I requested respite (which I had to cancel due to illness), I told my doctor what was going on, I have taken all training offered to me through my licensing agency, I allowed CPS into my home (TWICE) to interview myself and my family because of bogus allegations. What else am I supposed to do?
Obviously our number one priority is to protect the children already in our home- Cam and the baby. We are so close to adopting the baby and I don't want anything to derail that. But I don't see what the big deal is about putting us back on the placement list and letting us move forward. Unfortunately, this hiatus is giving me far too much time to think about whether we want to continue to foster after our adoption is completed because I really don't want another child like Little Man- ever again. I realize that is unrealistic, but I appreciate the break. I can't deny it. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. I think it means I know my limitations and he was beyond my scope.
I can tell you that I have learned some very valuable lessons during this nightmare.
Just when I thought the CPS investigation was over, I got another phone call from the investigator. She needed to speak to Joe and Cam so she could finish her report and get everything cleared up. Really? I mean I get it, but DAMN! Please leave me alone. I didn't do anything wrong and I want to put this all behind me. I am mortified, and extremely hurt, that someone would even think that I would abuse anyone. Can I please just turn the page and finish this chapter? I am so over it.
The investigator came out again last Thursday after speaking to Joe earlier in the week. Cam was very honest and open, answered all of her questions. I asked him later what she asked him and he said she asked him about Little Man. He told me that he "had plenty of feedback on that". He is so my son, and I love it.
During this time we chose to not go back on the placement list, and I have to be honest and admit that I have enjoyed to peace and quiet. Sadly, and I hate to admit this, I don't miss Little Man. I wish him the best and I really do hope that her receives what he needs, but I just don't miss the chaos, the tantrums, and the discord in our home. There, I said it.
While we chose to not go on the list for the last week, I was informed by my agency today that we will not go back on the placement list for a little bit. I wasn't exactly given a time frame, but the excuse/reason I was given was "so our family could take a break and the adding another child would not cause us too much stress". I am not exactly sure how to take that, but I really feel like I am being punished for something that I had no control over. I did everything I was supposed to do and I still got the short end of the stick. My attitude about going back on the placement list was basically to pick up and carry on. I felt that if we waited any longer, we would change our minds and not take anymore kids Of course my fear is having another child like Little Man placed with us so soon, but that is a chance we would have to take.
Now, however, I am kind of pissed off. Again, I did nothing wrong- I will not waiver from that statement. I tried to contact the caseworker, I contacted our licensing agent, I requested daycare (I was denied), I requested respite (which I had to cancel due to illness), I told my doctor what was going on, I have taken all training offered to me through my licensing agency, I allowed CPS into my home (TWICE) to interview myself and my family because of bogus allegations. What else am I supposed to do?
Obviously our number one priority is to protect the children already in our home- Cam and the baby. We are so close to adopting the baby and I don't want anything to derail that. But I don't see what the big deal is about putting us back on the placement list and letting us move forward. Unfortunately, this hiatus is giving me far too much time to think about whether we want to continue to foster after our adoption is completed because I really don't want another child like Little Man- ever again. I realize that is unrealistic, but I appreciate the break. I can't deny it. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. I think it means I know my limitations and he was beyond my scope.
I can tell you that I have learned some very valuable lessons during this nightmare.
- I think purchasing a nanny cam is in order so we can protect ourselves.
- If we choose to continue fostering, I will NEVER allow a caseworker to ignore me again. I will call the caseworker all day- every hour on the hour, half hour, whatever- until you address what I need/want. If I have to show up in your office, I will.
- Our communication will be mainly through email so I have a record and backup to any claims against either myself or the caseworker.
- If I have to call the caseworker, it will be phone calls from my cell only so I can easily pull records from my service provider.
- I will document EVERY email, phone call, contact, etc. by keeping a detailed log. This log will include date, time, content of conversation, notes, and whatever else I can think of.
- I will never be "nice" or "compassionate" toward a caseworker's case load. I'm sorry, Caseworker. It is your job to address the comments/concerns/complaints/needs of the children assigned to you. I can only do so much without your assistance.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Hurdle #2- Cleared!
Today was the severance hearing, and again my nerves set in. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I could not be happier with the results.
Of course the bio parents did not attend the hearing, but their attorneys fought for their rights anyway. I guess if you represent someone, you should drag out the inevitable? Not sure, but the Attorney General laid into them pretty good after the hearing. It was interesting, to say the least.
The parents rights were severed, and the court has 10 days to file the paperwork related to our hearing today. After the paperwork is filed, the bio parents are notified and they have 15 days to appeal the decision. I doubt they will, especially since no one knows where they are, but stranger things have happened. While those two things are happening, the baby will be moved to the adoptions division and he will get another caseworker- ugh. But, this also means that we are so close to officially becoming a family, and that makes everything worthwhile.
We already have our adoption certification going through the courts, and it is my understanding that we are in the final stages. Because we were proactive and submitted our adoption packet to the courts back in July, our process may go a little faster. We are hoping that everything is done before Thanksgiving- how appropriate, right? National Adoption Day is November 23rd, so we are aiming for that date. Earlier would be great, but either way we are almost there!
Today was also the day that we said good-bye to the other little guy. I was upset when we dropped him off, but he really didn't react. I truly believe that he wants to show love, but doesn't know how. I can only hope he receives the help he needs. I have been trying to get him assessed through AzEIP (Arizona Early Intervention Program) for the last six weeks, and my concerns have seemed to fall on deaf ears. Does anyone else find it ironic that they finally called me just hours after he was dropped off at the CPS office? Too little, too late I'm afraid.
Thank you all for your prayers, kind words, and encouragement. There have been days when I questioned our decision to become a foster family, especially after what happened this past Friday. I do know that we are doing the right thing, but it is easy to feel beat up and crazy, but your comments really help me pull myself up and carry on. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you!
Of course the bio parents did not attend the hearing, but their attorneys fought for their rights anyway. I guess if you represent someone, you should drag out the inevitable? Not sure, but the Attorney General laid into them pretty good after the hearing. It was interesting, to say the least.
The parents rights were severed, and the court has 10 days to file the paperwork related to our hearing today. After the paperwork is filed, the bio parents are notified and they have 15 days to appeal the decision. I doubt they will, especially since no one knows where they are, but stranger things have happened. While those two things are happening, the baby will be moved to the adoptions division and he will get another caseworker- ugh. But, this also means that we are so close to officially becoming a family, and that makes everything worthwhile.
We already have our adoption certification going through the courts, and it is my understanding that we are in the final stages. Because we were proactive and submitted our adoption packet to the courts back in July, our process may go a little faster. We are hoping that everything is done before Thanksgiving- how appropriate, right? National Adoption Day is November 23rd, so we are aiming for that date. Earlier would be great, but either way we are almost there!
Today was also the day that we said good-bye to the other little guy. I was upset when we dropped him off, but he really didn't react. I truly believe that he wants to show love, but doesn't know how. I can only hope he receives the help he needs. I have been trying to get him assessed through AzEIP (Arizona Early Intervention Program) for the last six weeks, and my concerns have seemed to fall on deaf ears. Does anyone else find it ironic that they finally called me just hours after he was dropped off at the CPS office? Too little, too late I'm afraid.
Thank you all for your prayers, kind words, and encouragement. There have been days when I questioned our decision to become a foster family, especially after what happened this past Friday. I do know that we are doing the right thing, but it is easy to feel beat up and crazy, but your comments really help me pull myself up and carry on. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you!
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Mixed Emotions
I really debated about writing this post because the content is mostly embarrassing and unpleasant, but I started this blog to express my feelings and share our experience with foster care. This has basically been a craptastic week. It started with the usual- little man being difficult and unruly- and just got worse from there. Brace yourself.
Thursday started like any other difficult and exhausting day. Every moment from when little man gets up and until he goes to bed is a challenge, but this day was one for the books. He had a well-check with the pediatrician on Thursday, which should have been fine, but it quickly turned into hell for me. I still don't know what the hell happened, but he had one of his "episodes". He started screaming, crying, thrashing, arching, bucking, you name it. I tried to calm him down by holding him, putting my arm around him, talking to him, etc., but he would have nothing to do with it. Nothing I did made a difference and he would just push me away. It went on for about 10-15 minutes before I thought to record what was going on, and boy am I glad I did. We even had a medical assistant come in to check on him and ask if he was okay. I explained that he was fine and that I deal with this every day.
Finally the doctor came in, but with little man's crying, screaming, and whatever, I couldn't hear anything she had to say. She asked a medical assistant to take him out of the room to calm down, and that is when the flood gates opened. I think everything I had been holding inside for the last six weeks just bubbled to the surface and there was no stopping it. I cried, I sobbed, and I broke down. I just couldn't stop myself. I told her about all of his behaviors (behaviors I had been telling his caseworker about and suggesting he receive services): what he was doing to the other baby, what he does to Cam, and what he does to me. He has a mean streak, and he is just awful to the other kids. But I've discussed this before.
I think she may have been slightly horrified by the situation and, after witnessing what had just occurred, felt that the time had come for little man to be placed elsewhere- which is what I have been saying since the beginning. She stepped out of the room to have her staff start calling the caseworker and got the ball rolling. Thank God! I had been trying to contact his caseworker for a week, and I couldn't get through. She didn't even return my email just asking about visits this week. It's is a sad situation when your pediatrician asks if you are okay taking him home. In a way I am grateful for his meltdown. At least someone else could see and experience what I have been talking about. He is always so good for other people, but when it comes to me he is awful. He has some serious anger and behavioral issues that really need to be addressed.
I had mixed emotions after our appointment. I think the most prominent was shame. I feel like I have let this baby down by not being able to provide what he needs, and I felt like I had given up on him. I have done everything in my power to help him, show him that he is loved, and meet his needs. I held on because he was supposed to be leaving soon, but each week the date was pushed out even farther. He was only supposed to be with us for two weeks, and then a month, and here we are six weeks in with no end in sight. How much longer are we supposed to deal with this without any assistance or support from his caseworker? I spend 24/7 with this child and I recognize that he needs therapy, so don't tell me that he has been assessed and is fine. That is absurd! Did you make that decision in the 2-3 hours you have spent with him since he has been in care, Caseworker? I understand that they are swamped and overloaded, but when a foster family is in crisis, you need to act.
As if Thursday wasn't bad enough, Friday was much, much worse. I fully expected someone to come pick him up on Friday, so I was not surprised to find someone from CPS at my door. However, I was surprised to find out that they were not here to get the little guy, but to investigate me for CHILD ABUSE! Are you f-ing kidding me???? I was in disbelief, dumbfounded, and completely sick to my stomach. How can this be happening to me?
They cannot tell me who made the allegation, but I can only assume it was a neighbor who has witnessed what the little guy does, without seeing the full picture. I was accused of lifting him by his arm and being "overly rough" with him. What they probably didn't see was his tantrum and falling to the ground while I was holding his hand. What am I supposed to do? Let go of him and let him crack his head open instead? Keep in mind that not only am I trying to walk him out to the car, but I also have another baby in an infant car seat. The last time I checked I only had two arms.
Anyway, the investigation lasted about 30 minutes and I had to get both kids up from a nap so the investigator could undress them and look for bruises. Of course there weren't any bruises or signs of abuse because THEY ARE NOT ABUSED! Luckily for me the investigator said the allegations are unsubstantiated, meaning she did not find anything. I really don't need this crap. I started foster care to help these kids, not have CPS in my home, nitpicking everything I do. I have a biological child who is my top priority and an infant that I am in the process of adopting and the last thing I need is for them to suspect I would do something like that and remove all children from my home, including Cam.
Needless to say I was extremely pissed, so much so that I think my blood was actually boiling. I wanted to send all of my neighbors a letter telling them to f-off, and include a video of what occurred at the doctor's office the previous day. Maybe put the video on a loop in my front yard inviting anyone who felt they could deal with him better to come on over, help themselves and see how well it went for them. I have never in my life thought that I would be in such a situation. I did, however, call little man's caseworker, and her supervisor, and demanded that he be removed immediately. I will not tolerate having his behavior misconstrued as abuse and having allegations made against me. Funny- she returned that phone call within the hour.
Once I cooled down, I realized that whoever made the allegation was just doing what they felt was right, and while I am pissed that it happened to me, there are too many people who witness abuse and turn the other cheek. I have to assume that I would have done the same thing if I saw something. It really is an obligation to these children, because so many are abused and no one does or says anything.
So, little man is leaving on Monday and I have a sense of relief. I am relieved because he puts the other kids at risk, especially the baby, and our home will once again be calm- at least until the next placement. Relief because I won't dread getting up in the morning to deal with him and count to minutes until bedtime. Relief because I live like a battered woman, trying not to upset the apple cart and enrage him, trying not to go past the point of no return.
But with that relief comes a little bit of sadness. I do love him, and even though he had been nothing short of a nightmare most days, he has found a place in my heart. I truly believe that he wants to show that he loves you, but he just isn't capable- he hasn't been taught how. Sad because who knows what the future holds form him? I really do hope that he is placed with a family who can deal with special needs children, because that's what he is. He needs one-on-one attention, and someone with bucket loads of patience, and that someone isn't me. I am hoping he will receive the services he needs because the pediatrician got involved, and that he learns to love and accept being loved.
So, Little Man, we say good-bye to you and wish you the best. You will always hold a special place in my heart and I really do hope that the future is good to you.
Thursday started like any other difficult and exhausting day. Every moment from when little man gets up and until he goes to bed is a challenge, but this day was one for the books. He had a well-check with the pediatrician on Thursday, which should have been fine, but it quickly turned into hell for me. I still don't know what the hell happened, but he had one of his "episodes". He started screaming, crying, thrashing, arching, bucking, you name it. I tried to calm him down by holding him, putting my arm around him, talking to him, etc., but he would have nothing to do with it. Nothing I did made a difference and he would just push me away. It went on for about 10-15 minutes before I thought to record what was going on, and boy am I glad I did. We even had a medical assistant come in to check on him and ask if he was okay. I explained that he was fine and that I deal with this every day.
Finally the doctor came in, but with little man's crying, screaming, and whatever, I couldn't hear anything she had to say. She asked a medical assistant to take him out of the room to calm down, and that is when the flood gates opened. I think everything I had been holding inside for the last six weeks just bubbled to the surface and there was no stopping it. I cried, I sobbed, and I broke down. I just couldn't stop myself. I told her about all of his behaviors (behaviors I had been telling his caseworker about and suggesting he receive services): what he was doing to the other baby, what he does to Cam, and what he does to me. He has a mean streak, and he is just awful to the other kids. But I've discussed this before.
I think she may have been slightly horrified by the situation and, after witnessing what had just occurred, felt that the time had come for little man to be placed elsewhere- which is what I have been saying since the beginning. She stepped out of the room to have her staff start calling the caseworker and got the ball rolling. Thank God! I had been trying to contact his caseworker for a week, and I couldn't get through. She didn't even return my email just asking about visits this week. It's is a sad situation when your pediatrician asks if you are okay taking him home. In a way I am grateful for his meltdown. At least someone else could see and experience what I have been talking about. He is always so good for other people, but when it comes to me he is awful. He has some serious anger and behavioral issues that really need to be addressed.
I had mixed emotions after our appointment. I think the most prominent was shame. I feel like I have let this baby down by not being able to provide what he needs, and I felt like I had given up on him. I have done everything in my power to help him, show him that he is loved, and meet his needs. I held on because he was supposed to be leaving soon, but each week the date was pushed out even farther. He was only supposed to be with us for two weeks, and then a month, and here we are six weeks in with no end in sight. How much longer are we supposed to deal with this without any assistance or support from his caseworker? I spend 24/7 with this child and I recognize that he needs therapy, so don't tell me that he has been assessed and is fine. That is absurd! Did you make that decision in the 2-3 hours you have spent with him since he has been in care, Caseworker? I understand that they are swamped and overloaded, but when a foster family is in crisis, you need to act.
As if Thursday wasn't bad enough, Friday was much, much worse. I fully expected someone to come pick him up on Friday, so I was not surprised to find someone from CPS at my door. However, I was surprised to find out that they were not here to get the little guy, but to investigate me for CHILD ABUSE! Are you f-ing kidding me???? I was in disbelief, dumbfounded, and completely sick to my stomach. How can this be happening to me?
They cannot tell me who made the allegation, but I can only assume it was a neighbor who has witnessed what the little guy does, without seeing the full picture. I was accused of lifting him by his arm and being "overly rough" with him. What they probably didn't see was his tantrum and falling to the ground while I was holding his hand. What am I supposed to do? Let go of him and let him crack his head open instead? Keep in mind that not only am I trying to walk him out to the car, but I also have another baby in an infant car seat. The last time I checked I only had two arms.
Anyway, the investigation lasted about 30 minutes and I had to get both kids up from a nap so the investigator could undress them and look for bruises. Of course there weren't any bruises or signs of abuse because THEY ARE NOT ABUSED! Luckily for me the investigator said the allegations are unsubstantiated, meaning she did not find anything. I really don't need this crap. I started foster care to help these kids, not have CPS in my home, nitpicking everything I do. I have a biological child who is my top priority and an infant that I am in the process of adopting and the last thing I need is for them to suspect I would do something like that and remove all children from my home, including Cam.
Needless to say I was extremely pissed, so much so that I think my blood was actually boiling. I wanted to send all of my neighbors a letter telling them to f-off, and include a video of what occurred at the doctor's office the previous day. Maybe put the video on a loop in my front yard inviting anyone who felt they could deal with him better to come on over, help themselves and see how well it went for them. I have never in my life thought that I would be in such a situation. I did, however, call little man's caseworker, and her supervisor, and demanded that he be removed immediately. I will not tolerate having his behavior misconstrued as abuse and having allegations made against me. Funny- she returned that phone call within the hour.
Once I cooled down, I realized that whoever made the allegation was just doing what they felt was right, and while I am pissed that it happened to me, there are too many people who witness abuse and turn the other cheek. I have to assume that I would have done the same thing if I saw something. It really is an obligation to these children, because so many are abused and no one does or says anything.
So, little man is leaving on Monday and I have a sense of relief. I am relieved because he puts the other kids at risk, especially the baby, and our home will once again be calm- at least until the next placement. Relief because I won't dread getting up in the morning to deal with him and count to minutes until bedtime. Relief because I live like a battered woman, trying not to upset the apple cart and enrage him, trying not to go past the point of no return.
But with that relief comes a little bit of sadness. I do love him, and even though he had been nothing short of a nightmare most days, he has found a place in my heart. I truly believe that he wants to show that he loves you, but he just isn't capable- he hasn't been taught how. Sad because who knows what the future holds form him? I really do hope that he is placed with a family who can deal with special needs children, because that's what he is. He needs one-on-one attention, and someone with bucket loads of patience, and that someone isn't me. I am hoping he will receive the services he needs because the pediatrician got involved, and that he learns to love and accept being loved.
So, Little Man, we say good-bye to you and wish you the best. You will always hold a special place in my heart and I really do hope that the future is good to you.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Looking For the Light At the End of the Tunnel
I am not really sure how much more of this I can take. Every single day is a challenge, and it hasn't gotten easier. I have so much guilt for what I am feeling, and I just feel awful about myself. I dread getting out of bed in the morning, and I have to give myself pep talks throughout the day just to make it to bedtime. I just want to scream! It just isn't fair to my family to make them continue to deal with this child.
The fact that he is a baby is not lost on me, and I know that this is not his fault. BUT, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. He was supposed to only be here for a couple of weeks, and then a month, now who knows. I can't get ahold of anyone who can tell me anything and I am beyond frustrated. I just want an estimated time of departure so I have something to look forward to.
I think the thing that concerns me the most about this little guy is how easily he can turn it on and off. When he is with anyone else he is a perfect angel, but the moment he is alone with us, BAM! I swear he sprouts horns and a tail. It is ridiculous. I have tried so many different things, but nothing is working. I have even tried to give him one-on-one time, but he is not interested in me unless one of the other kids are around and requiring my attention.
He also seems to have some extreme jealousy issues. He is constantly in trouble for hitting, laying on, scratching, etc. the other baby. This morning I had them both ready to walk out the door, turned around to grab my purse and keys, and there he was with both hands on top of the other baby's head (the other baby was strapped into his car seat) and he was PUSHING the baby's head down as hard as he could. What the hell? What am I supposed to do about that? I can't spank him, slap his hand, or anything else. I can only use Time Out. Effective, right?
On a brighter note, the other baby is doing well, in spite of the tyrant. I cannot believe how big he is getting, or how fast time has flown right by. He has been in our care for over seven months now, and I can't imagine him not being here anymore. We have a Severance Hearing next week and I am eager to get the ball rolling for adoption. We are so close, but I am still cautious. And the closer we get, the more my nerves are shot. I just make myself sick thinking about everything that can happen, good or bad. I have nightmares that he is being taken away and I wake up panicked. Can we be done already?
We still have a long road ahead of us, but I cannot wait until I can introduce my little guy to everyone!
The fact that he is a baby is not lost on me, and I know that this is not his fault. BUT, I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. He was supposed to only be here for a couple of weeks, and then a month, now who knows. I can't get ahold of anyone who can tell me anything and I am beyond frustrated. I just want an estimated time of departure so I have something to look forward to.
I think the thing that concerns me the most about this little guy is how easily he can turn it on and off. When he is with anyone else he is a perfect angel, but the moment he is alone with us, BAM! I swear he sprouts horns and a tail. It is ridiculous. I have tried so many different things, but nothing is working. I have even tried to give him one-on-one time, but he is not interested in me unless one of the other kids are around and requiring my attention.
He also seems to have some extreme jealousy issues. He is constantly in trouble for hitting, laying on, scratching, etc. the other baby. This morning I had them both ready to walk out the door, turned around to grab my purse and keys, and there he was with both hands on top of the other baby's head (the other baby was strapped into his car seat) and he was PUSHING the baby's head down as hard as he could. What the hell? What am I supposed to do about that? I can't spank him, slap his hand, or anything else. I can only use Time Out. Effective, right?
On a brighter note, the other baby is doing well, in spite of the tyrant. I cannot believe how big he is getting, or how fast time has flown right by. He has been in our care for over seven months now, and I can't imagine him not being here anymore. We have a Severance Hearing next week and I am eager to get the ball rolling for adoption. We are so close, but I am still cautious. And the closer we get, the more my nerves are shot. I just make myself sick thinking about everything that can happen, good or bad. I have nightmares that he is being taken away and I wake up panicked. Can we be done already?
We still have a long road ahead of us, but I cannot wait until I can introduce my little guy to everyone!
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